Chinese Implicated in Agricultural Espionage Efforts. Chinese spies, wearing various crop costumes, steal thousands of plastic pumpkins filled with Halloween corn.

When the New York Times has a scoop, it is both scary and scary. Read this one about Chinese Implicated in Agricultural Espionage Efforts. Chinese spies, some disguised as raisins, others as plates of fried rice, steal almost everything, including kids’ Halloween trove.

The next time you see someone dressed as a giant M&M in Times Square, be warned, there might be a Chinaman in there. Worse, it might be a spy out to steal anything he can get his hands, or unmeltable outer shell, on. The Chinese are out to steal America.

The FBI recently arrested two Chinese men, dressed as crows,  in a Kansas cornfield where they were hidden among the stalks, prying out the seeds of ears of corn. When the federal agents approached the two, “they started running across the field, not flying like a real crow would do,” said special agent Grimm, “and when they finally got into a car and drove away, it was clear they were spies, despite the fact that they continued to wave their wings which we suspect were just papier mâché.” To prevent public panic and avert possible riots, the FBI claimed that the spies were actually seeking just the corn niblets, in order to “breed better hybrid varieties.”

But TPV discovered the true facts. The likelihood that a country that worships baby corn ears in its cuisine would actually care about growing full size varieties, hybrid or not, is clearly nil. But there are over two billion Chinese and if each just took a few corn niblets, there would be no corn left in America. That is the Chinese plan.

In a related development, a small village in northern Westchester, after a four month investigation, have discovered that almost all the trick-or-treaters last year were, similarly, Chinese spies, determined to seize the nation’s entire supply of candy corn.

The obsession with corn, real, candy, or hybrid, is mysterious but officials warn that, “next year almost every trick-or-treater will be a Chinese spy,” according to the American Candy Corn Association, “because last year’s incident was just a dress rehearsal for the true assault coming.”

New York City’s Chinatown has been all but locked down since word spread of the plot to steal everything in America. “Most of the sunglasses in America will be gone by next fall,” predicted Victor Chan, Chinatown’s honorary mayor. He explained that the Chinese are arriving in waves on our shores disguised as, well,  waves. Dropped off by miniature submarines, they make their way into the city from Long Island and the Jersey shore, shop for sunglasses, or other items, putting one on top of another, and just walk out.

One was spotted last week at Bergdorf’s wearing nine superimposed Dior shades, and would not have been noticed had not an alert clerk seen that what appeared to be simply waves from the beach were wearing multiple sunglasses.

“I spend my summers in Jersey, and I’ve never seen waves like that. When I realized they were wearing more than one pair at a time I became suspicious,” the clerk said. Unfortunately none of the spies were caught, all of them blending into the freakishly dressed tourists here for the Super Bowl.

There is no limit to what they are stealing and it would be impossible to list the almost infinite variety of food and consumer items the Chinese are determined to pilfer. The shortage of Seahawk hats and the surplus of Bronco hats after last week’s game is attributed, says agent Grimm, to

“a flood of Chinese spies expertly disguised as toll booth collectors, who simply put hat upon hat underneath their uniform hats, and walked out of the stadium. They obviously preferred winner’s hats. We suspected foul play when one of our best agents remarked that he’d never seen, after thirty years of commuting from Jersey,  a toll collector wearing a uniform hat. But once again they got away because they were so crafty. And, I should add, inscrutable.”

The TSA has been drafted into the struggle against the Chinese assault. At airports, they have been instructed to seize anyone disguised as a piece of food, an animal, or other unusual item. The government says, however, that it is not optimistic. The disguises do not show up on the new X-ray screening devices.

“All we are able to discern are the same genitalia we see with normal American travelers. The clothing or disguises obviously don’t show. That’s the whole point,” said Colonel Ima Idiot,” the chief of TSA’s Disguise Squad. “We are probably going to have to seize and arrest everyone who comes through the airport. That should have some positive effect on the problem,” said Idiot, unconvincingly.

The President agreed with that, at a White House conference today, saying that national security is “our number one priority. If you go to an airport, you will be arrested. And, I’m happy to say, as a result of this vigilance, American candy corn will remain one hundred percent American.  Happy Halloween, eight months in advance.” The President’s children stood proudly next to him, both dressed as Senators, wearing multiple sunglasses, several hats apiece, and carrying an inordinate number of plastic pumpkins filled to the brim with an unidentifiable assortment of yellow and white items.

A secret service agent suddenly shouted, “Chinese!” and rushed the podium but the two apparent children sped towards the Senate where they seemed to disappear.