Home By Marquel How to Reach the Inner Douche

How to Reach the Inner Douche

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Dear Abby Section correspondent, was debating whether he was a douche or a douchebag when he read 15 Ways to Be a Better Person in 2016.

Fifteen ways to be a better person next year? Marquel asked himself. What in the world is that doing in the Times? On the digital version, the front page news.
This is not news, Marquel thought. There may be a little news to get leverage but the fulcrum is firmly planted in entertainment. Is this ,”All the news and shit we print?” On the other hand, maybe it’s a serous piece or at least political.
Marquel sent an email to Bernie Sanders asking what is the one, not fifteen, way to be a better person?
Sanders answered right away, “share your wealth”
Marquel then posed the same question to the Donald. The answer was slower in coming but he did respond:
“Have a great time tonight!”
So…on to Obama:
“Thank God for America!”
Netanyahu:
“Don’t read country of origin labels”
Borowitz:
“Don’t believe me!”
Adele:
“Sing but listen”
Jane Fonda:
“Resist”
Woody Allen:
“Keep your pants on. Especially if you’re circumcised and  she isn’t.”
Joe Biden:
“It ain’t over till it’s over.”
The queen of England:
“Well.”
Marquel read through his responses. They all made a slight bit of sense, because if you followed the advice of most, at least something would happen. Marquel read the Times article again. He scratched his head. There it was in black and white.
The first thing to do, in the Times list, to be a better person next year, is “Wear Comfortable Underwear.” No kidding. Marquel read it over and over again. You can look it up.
There was no explanation. Just wear more comfortable underwear.
Marquel wondered whether wearing more comfortable underwear would make you A BETTER PERSON.
  1. Putin is in a foul mood. He scratched his crotch. He gives the order to invade the Ukraine, goes to his changing room, where he puts on more comfortable underwear and immediately revokes his order.
  2. A southern white or black guy, it doesn’t matter which, is also in a foul mood. He goes home, picks up his two fully loaded carbines, takes out his map and plans on wiping out  a nursery school, changes his underwear and decides to go give all his belongings to Planned Parenthood.
  3. Hillary Clinton receives two huge checks, one from the NRA, the other from Citibank, changes her underwear, and rips up both checks.
Wear more comfortable underwear to be a better person? Marquel considered what he would recommend to make you A BETTER PERSON all next year. He got undressed and stayed that way. He sent a mass email to everyone: “Go Commando!”
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By MARQUEL: How to Reach the Inner Douche