At Airports, a Misplaced Faith in Body Language. TSA fails to understand that sometimes a gun is just a gun

The NY Times travel agent discovered that: At Airports, there is a Misplaced Faith in Body Language. Marquel, TPVs Times Mime Correspondent found more: there is a widespread failure to understand that sometimes a gun is just a gun.

The government has suggested that the TSA program to train inspectors to recognize dangerous or threatening or dishonest body language is a complete failure. After a year of training, inspectors actually recognize dishonest body language at a rate less than flipping a coin. What the government also found was that TSA inspectors were actually confident they could recognize dishonesty virtually all the time.

Marquel visited TSA headquarters to investigate.

“Hi,” I said, “my name’s Miguel.”

“How do you do?” He said, scribbling on a pad.”

“Aha!” I said, “unless you just wrote down that I lied about my name, the government report might be true.”

“Well, actually,” he said, and he showed me the pad. It said, “Miguel or Marquel????”

“Hey, that’s pretty good. Maybe they’re wrong after all.” I confessed.

“If they’re wrong it’s not because of that,” he said, pointing to his calendar which said in bright red lettering, “interview with Marquel, TPV”

“Okay, then,” I said, “let’s start over. What do you think of the government report?”

“It’s probably right.” He said, to my amazement.

“Really?” I wondered, “which parts?”

“Oh, I agree with all of it. What they taught my agents was just horseshit. I’ve spent a year trying to have them unlearn it all.” He asserted.

“For instance?” I asked.

“How many days do you have?” He asked, then continued, “just kidding. For instance did you know someone is lying when they look up?”

“I don’t think it ever struck me as highly indicative,” I answered.

“That’s because,” he said, “you didn’t learn also that if they look up to the right, he’s lying, but to the left, he’s truthful.”

I didn’t know what to say so I just said, “Ah, I see.”

“Yes, that’s what they were taught. Also, if they lean over forward and scratch their knee, they’re lying but if they scratch their balls, they’re either just itchy or sweaty.”

“Well I’ve heard that if a person sweats a lot they’re probably lying.” I said.

“Could be. But they might be hot.” He observed.

“What if it’s cold?” I wondered.

“And he sweats?” He asked. I nodded. “Well then personally I’d ask him if he’s hot and if he said no, I’d tell him to see a doctor.”

“But is he lying?” I asked.

“About what? That it’s not hot? Of course not. We just agreed it would be cold.” He said.

“Soooo…if it’s cold and he’s sweaty, he’s telling the truth,” I ventured.

“Only about the weather, maybe,” he answered.

“Hell,” I said, “that’s not much help at all.”

“Let me give you an example,” he offered. “Last month, a guy came through the line and he had a revolver in his coat. My best trained behavior observation agent confronted him and asked if he were armed. The passenger said no, and my agent who could see the revolver clearly in the x Ray let him pass. Later I asked him why he did such an inexplicable thing. You know what he told me?”

“I can’t even guess,” I answered sincerely.

“He told me the guy was looking up to the left so he knew he wasn’t lying. That’s my best man,” he said.

“You know most of the report said it was all baloney but there was this one experiment where a group of psychologists reached 80% accuracy in spotting lies.How do you explain that?” I asked.

“Easy, but depressing.” He asserted. “If I had psychologists I could reach that level too. If I had people with graduate or even undergraduate degrees I could approach that figure. If I had people who could read…” He paused.

“Yes?” I urged.

“The people I have can read, at best, the instructions on the posted signs. Half of them even make mistakes there.”

“And that means…?” I questioned.

“How do you expect people to make sophisticated judgments about people’s behavior and intent when they’re…DUMMIES?” He seemed angry.

“I guess that’s tough,” I agreed.

“I don’t mean to be harsh but do you imagine that the army takes in many geniuses,” he asked me.

“Honestly, no, I think we all know that.”

“Well at the wages I pay,” he said, “who do you think I get?”

“This isn’t a trick question, right?” I asked. He nodded. I took a guess, “people who can’t even get in the army?”

He looked at me long and hard, and finally asked, “You or any of your friends looking for a job?” He looked really sad and depressed when I said we were all pretty happy where we were.

***

If you need a job, you may not find it following Marquel on Twitter, but otherwise, you may find tons of stuff following him @MarquelatTPV. For more fun follow us @ThePtoholeView or for active fun, write to us at ThePotholeView@gmail.com.