Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Zero Calories Section correspondent, was licking some aspartame off his pants, when he read Rethinking Eating. Start-ups are engineering “meat” and “eggs” from pulverized plant compounds. It dates back to the Graham cracker which, by filling us with fiber, was meant to augment our moral fiber as well. Unfortunately, nobody gave any thought to s’mores, nor to the millions of key lime pies made with Graham cracker crust.
Last year some Europeans unveiled an entirely artificial hamburger. $322,000! So it’s really a cost benefit question. How much is that cow’s sentience worth to you?
But it’s not limited to that. Marquel went to talk with Monsanto about their New burger tree. Three months into gestation or whatever it is in botany, they inject some plastic into the growing burger. They come out as cheeseburgers.
“In late June,” the man from Monsanto told me, “you should see the fields. Every tree bending under the weight of a complete burger complete with roll and our special sauce. When the workers pick them, it sends a chill up my spine.”
“I’m afraid it would send a shock through my digestive system.” I remarked.
“Not to worry. Every element starts with a germ cell from the appropriate source. Burgers from bovine germ cells, bread from wheat germ cells, pickles from cucumber germ cells. You’re eating the real thing!” He exclaimed.
“I think someone else has that trademark,” I said. “And what about the insects and stuff?”
“It turns out one in a hundred fast food burgers have an insect inside, usually by a mischievous or angry counterman. Less than one in there hundred of ours had an insect. They’re three times more sanitary.” He insisted.
He sent me down to Gerber so I would understand the genuineness of their products.
“What does baby food mean to you?” Asked the Gerber man.
“Ground up shit,” I said.
“No more,” he insisted, “from now on when you eat baby food, your eating baby food. Real baby.”
“What do you mean by that?” I wondered cautiously.
“We make all our baby food from baby stem cells. Couldn’t be healthier. When your kid has breakfast you don’t have to worry about what field it came from or what fertilizers. It comes from a mix of pure baby stem cells and placental stem cells. Your baby will be eating real baby!”
“You know that sounds gross.” I said.
“Don’t be silly,” he insisted, “it gets even better. We’re talking about the health of your child. What could be more important?”
“How does it get better?” I asked, my journalistic curiosity getting the better of me.
“Gerber TailorMade®. You send in placenta and stem cells from the birth, and we keep your cells on file. Everything we ship you comes originally from you and your child. I can see a lot of future Nobel prize and Heissman trophy winners in the near future.”
“You want my baby to be a cannibal?” I asked.
“Cannibals eat other beings. This is like nursing. You never think of that as anything but beauty.” He asserted.
“But I never thought of baby at all. Baby food. Not baby.” I said.
“Now it’s the same thing! Feed your baby baby food. Real baby food! It’s a Gerber Original!”
I was unconvinced. Plenty of parents like to sample a bit of what they’re feeding their babies. Could they do it with this? It would be like biting off a hunk of your own offspring. I could see nothing but marketing problems down the road. My road was going to Mufi’s and real wheat noodles.
Disgusting…
what’s wrong with us? thanks Marquel.
could not have put it better.
M. I loved it.