Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Faux Terrorism Section commentator, was learning North Korean from an illegally purchased Rosetta Stone tape, when he took a break to read in English Theater Chains Decline to Show Sony’s ‘The Interview,’ Citing Threats.
Multiplex chains that control more than 19,200 screens in America decided not to release the film, ending any prospect of a serious theatrical release. This whole thing sounds suspicious. Marquel knew that at the same time The Interview was to be released, Warner Brothers was issuing the Hobbit, Sony itself was releasing Annie, and Twentieth Century is releasing Night at the Museum. Weren’t they afraid to release their films? Studios receive hate mail all the time. They don’t shut down production.
Marquel went to Sony to take a look at the hate mail.
- One letter threatened death to all of America. It went on to say that Americans should watch family fare about goblins, not assassination.
- Another letter said it would be 9/11 all over again if people saw the movie and suggested an afternoon at a nice museum.
- A third said showing the movie would destroy Hollywood and that thousands of orphans could profit more from Americans free time this weekend.
Marquel thought these were not ordinary hate mail. He asked the Sony people.
“Not particularly,”-said Sony.
“Why? They say they’ll kill us if we show the movie. We can’t afford to take the risk. But here’s the hate mail we got recently for other films.” He offered
“Again, no. They threaten us if we show the movies they detest.” He said.
“Not the originals. The cops took them. But we have copies. Here they are.”
“The North Koreans aren’t stupid. With stamps there is DNA. This way they’re home free.” Sony said.
“What’s not happening is The Interview.” Sony said.
“No, no more than what we read,” the manager said.
“Could I see your mail room?” I asked.
At first they balked but when I said I had a big promotion they might work on, they showed me right in. The mail room was quite ordinary. But it had an odor. I couldn’t place it. Fishy. Still couldn’t place it. Suddenly…Kimchee sauce! It reeked of kimchee sauce. North Koreans had been there, assisting this duplicitous campaign to give it a slight patina of veracity.
I went home, satisfied with what I found. Obama was busy criticizing Sony for caving. Hardly. This was a capitalist scam worthy of P.T. Barnum. I wonder what Tom Thumb’s role would have been.
I had new respect for Sony. A job well done. Annie is going to kill with no competition.