Don’t Fake It …Lego It

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Zank Heaven For Little Girls Section correspondent, was reading about the cast of the new Broadway production of Gigi, when he stopped to skim this: Beauty Tips for Girls, From Lego.

The new “Lego Club Magazine” features a page of “Beauty Tips” for its 5-12 year old audience. Marquel thought that he could use some of the tips as they were quite advanced. But what was Lego doing sending beauty tips to 5 year olds? The one that stuck out most prominently was recommendation 31 (There were a hundred in all) that said,

“be careful trying to fake it. You’re liable to get caught. Much better to be honest and let your beauty shine through.”

Marquel liked the emphasis on honesty but was this really a tip a five year old should have?

Marquel was having trouble understanding why Lego was in the beauty business at all. Wasn’t Lego the sort of modern heir to the old Erector set? Aside from the mildly off color nature of that toy’s name, it was light years away from giving beauty advice, or relationship tips. Lego’s advice seemed to go beyond beauty (What does faking it have to do with beauty…And how does a five year old manage to fake it anyway?).

Tip 52 seems to be appropriate, thought Marquel,

“brush twice a day and always up and down, not back and forth.”

That’s advice any five year old could use. But Marquel was still puzzled by the connection between Lego and beauty or relationships. But Marquel noted that the French are about to legislate weights for fashion models to combat anorexia. (See French Parliament Debates Weight Standards for Fashion Models… to combat the persistence of anorexia.)

It’s hard to imagine a five to twelve year old challenging those limits so maybe this is all about lowering the age limits for top models. But would they descend the red carpet with Legos in hand? It was still a mystery. And who would buy a skimpy dress modeled by a five year old? Is this a new French disease?

Perhaps the answer would be found in the 100 beauty tips. Number 99 was,

“Don’t hit people. It hurts!”

Good advice, but not beauty except for bruises and scars. And no link to Lego. Tip 100 was,

“shampoo and condition at least three times a week, maybe more, and brush 100 strokes after.”

Couldn’t hurt, mused Marquel.

But the link to Lego was still as obscure as ever. How about tip 1, Marquel thought.

“Your midriff, the skin between your waist and belly button should be well covered, unless you’re seeing that special one tonight.”

For a five year old? Who’s the special one? The Winnie the Pooh floppy doll?

In fact a doll company might have a better claim to beauty tips than Lego, thought Marquel. Are we all going nuts? It had been many years since Marquel had played with an Erector set but if he had received a pamphlet at five, from Gilbert, the manufacturer, saying,

“want to last longer, harder, drive her wild?”

Marquel thought he would have ended up looking for some sort of plan that would give his friends an electrical shock or something. They had something like that and it was their best plan.

Marquel looked through the Lego ad again. It was filled with Lego cities you could build, and the Lego people were undeniably more svelte and provocative than the old ones. No more hairdos that reminded him of little Dutch boys or Old English sheep dogs. And there was a midriff here and there. Even belly rings.

So that was it. With Lego you can now live in a fantasy of sexuality and provocation. And with the little beauty booklet you could live a parallel life with your Lego set and never face the reality of blemishes, infidelity, and failed friendships. It’s definitely not a brave New Lego World out there.

At five you have to have that midriff waiting for that special someone, and when he/she shows up, whatever you do, Don’t fake it.

***

By MARQUEL: Don’t Fake It …Lego It.