Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Rubles Rubles Rubles Desk correspondent, was helping himself with a few quarters from the bucket of a Salvation Army elf, when instead of quarters he found The Times’ The Families Funding the 2016 Presidential Election.
Marquel woke up from his long nightmare, listening to Donald Trump’s electioneering in order to come closer to “real America” as Mufi had put it.
“You know, you don’t really know America. You think this Trump guy is some sort of exception,” said Mufi about two months ago, “but he’s mainstream America. Only a Chinaman restaurateur would know that. You, Marquel, you’ve got too much Harvard in you. That’s not America.”
So on Mufi’s advice I spent two mouths with Donald. After that, naturally, they institutionalized me saying I needed therapy for “overconsumption of diatribes and deception.” I hadn’t even heard of such a mental illness. But as soon as I was released I went to Mufi’s where we had rattlesnake, and pigs noses, and pickled butterfly sesame balls. Mufi told me the story was essentially that 200 families have given hundreds of millions to both the Republican and Democratic national committees and it was a done deal.
“What’s a done deal?” I asked.
“The election. All the candidates and parties already have their statutes written, their judges chosen. That’s what you get for several million per family. And they give to each party so everything is the same.”
“You’re telling me that the laws the Democratic president well introduce next year are already written as well as the republicans?” I asked.
“Marquel, not only that. The laws are exactly the same! The guys who wrote them come here for my Friday lunches. It’s not even a secret!”
I couldn’t take that so I went down to the #DNC to speak to its head, the embattled Debbie Wasserman Schultz. Before I got to her, however I had to get through the aides and interns and spouses and people carrying huge bags of money. I said, “excuse me,” and they all said
“izvinite.” That’s Russian! What was going on with the #DNC?
I sat at a desk and an aside said
“Zdravstvuyte” Russian again.
I was ushered into the main office and everyone watched saying,
“What’s going on?” I asked. “What’s with the Russian?”
“Well you think we’re all sold out to the corporations and are trying to freeze Bernie out don’t you?” They asked.
“For the most part,” I admitted.
“Well you can see that’s entirely untrue. We don’t even call ourselves the DNC anymore. We are the #Demoburo. We are governed by a Troika headed by Debbie. We’ve practically married all of Bernie’s ideas.” They said.
“So what does the Demoburo do?” I asked.
“The same as the Politburo would. First we’ve decided who the candidate will be.” They said.
“And that is…?” I inquired.
“Hillary if course. We got the most money from her.” An aide came in with two huge sacks and filled up everybody’s pockets with bills and placed the rest in cardboard boxes filled with currency.
“So you already chose the candidate. What about the election?” I asked.
“Spaceba,” she said, “if you look in the next room you’ll see it’s all fair and square. All the ballots from every state are all ready.”
Sure enough I looked closely and every state had a locker brimming with ballots, all filled out for #Hillary. There were also bags of credit card sized plastic.
“Those are for the states with electric voting machines. Pass this through, and Hillary’s you’re man!” She said, passing a bottle of vodka around the room.
“So the nomination is decided, the election is all arranged, what else do you have to do?” I asked.
“Ne volnuytes,” she said, which I knew to mean “don’t worry.”
“Why not?” I asked. “What about democracy?”
“My leetle Marquel,”said Wasserman herself, ” zat vas only an illyuziya, an illusion, just as Bernie says. Ve are the Demoburo. Vat vee say, zat vas vat happens. Das Vedanya.”
I said das vadanya and checked myself back into Bellevue.
By MARQUEL: Debbie Wasserman Schultz Does Demoburo Like a She-Putin