Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Idiocy Section correspondent, was counting Donald Trumps’ boogers, when Ivanka asked him to stop and read Why I Use Trigger Warnings.
They don’t coddle. They help create a better environment for learning. Says the Times. But the triggers depends in the teacher recognizing what triggers a reaction. It then is the ultimate in political correctness because only the reactions foreseen by the typical young assistant professor are the ones getting warnings. Marquel imagined a different world. In a faraway planet in another galaxy. Would they warn of different things? Marquel felt a duty to his readers.
WARNING: sentence ahead.
He contacted the author.
“I really don’t understand these warnings. What about an Agatha Christie novel? Would we have to have a warning before each and every death? And each false lead? And that maybe all the murders were committed just to cover up one? Remember that? That was a good one. The ABC murders?” Marquel asked.
WARNING: Author’s answer ahead.
“No, I think it was the Alphabet Murders, but you were very close.” The author said.
“So what is the point of trigger warnings in college? I saw you said in the article that it helps for some people who might be traumatized. But I’m more concerned with how you know what to warn against.” Marquel said.
“Typical abuse situations, maybe combat for the veterans, that kind of thing.” She said.
WARNING: Stupid comment coming up.
“But what would you do for me? You only warn about typical scenes. It’s very constrained, and if you’ll forgive me, pc. I happen to be terrified of the letter X. Would you give me a warning when it was coming up?”
“I’m not sure we could accommodate you.” She said.
“That’s what they told me once at a Hilton Inn. What about when these people graduate? Are they going to get jobs with trigger warnings? What if somebody is terrified of being in a room alone with one person? The boss would have to give him a warning before having a meeting?” Marquel asked.
WARNING: paragraph ahead.
“We’re not dealing with offices but books.” She said.
WARNING: previous warning deceptively wrong.
“Well people read books in offices. What if one of your students needs trigger warnings about fat people. He or she gets a job as a lawyer or even a doctor. Does he get warnings about a deposition with an obese witness or a medical file about a patient who weighs 800 pounds?” I asked.
“Most of my warnings have to do with abuse, not fat people or letters or meetings in offices.” She said.
“What if someone is lactose intolerant? Would you provide him with warnings whenever milk was mentioned? Or a vegetarian every time a character had a burger?” I asked.
WARNING: ambivalence ahead.
“I really don’t know. Those are good questions. I really have no answers.” She answered. WARNING: somewhat mean sarcasm ahead.
“Those are not good questions. They were stupid. They were mine intended to show that warnings are insane. By the way what if someone is scared of insanity and the key character loses it in the end. Warning?” I asked.
“Yes I think so.” She said.
WARNING: Anger ahead
“I don’t think so.” She muttered.WARNING: Warning ahead.
“You should have warned me, ” she sobbed. ” the idea of nuclear families always upsets me. I didn’t know you were going to bring it up.”WARNING: End of warnings
“A warning would have been simpler. And more cost effective.” She said.
Warning: I only read Marquel
WARNING: I see Marquel. I read. I do not see Marquel I do not read. Sorry TPV
WARNING: This was so cleverly funny. But then I am not a Millenial
Funny. Beautifully funny. Thanks Marquel
perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2