The Bodyguard

Marquel, TPVs NY TImes Lower-class Bigot Section correspondent was enjoying squirrel on a stick, when he read At Gateway to Hamptons, Ku Klux Klan Advertises for New Members.

This summer, pamphlets and a recruitment form have been stuffed into plastic sandwich bags, along with a few Jolly Ranchers, and tossed onto driveways in Hampton Bays.

Marquel knew Hampton Bays to be what long islanders call a “hamlet,” indicating both its size and importance. It is the poorest of the Hamptons and the most immigrant-filled. This latest campaign seems designed to scare Latinos as well as build up its yokel membership. The KKK, once a fearsome group with several million members, is now down to 5,000 split among about 40 disunited organizations.

Nevertheless the common wisdom is that these things must be nipped in the bud before they flower into something truly putrid. Marquel found their monthly meeting. There were six men, all of whom upon questioning turned out to be unemployed, and three of them were new recruits. “You guys are new? What are you most afraid of that the KKK can prevent?” I asked.

“Well the pamphlet made it clear. The Jews, blacks, and Hispanics are trying to take over America. America is a white European country. We can’t afford this conspiracy.” Said one, chewing on candy.

“But aren’t Jews white Europeans?” I asked.

“Of course not. What are you, an idiot?” He rejoindered.

“Well what are they? They look white, they come from Europe….”

“They’re Jews!” He said.

One of the the old timers added, “they’re Semites, not white.”

“Yeah,”  said the first, “they’re Semites, not whites.”

“Okay,” I said, “what about Latinos. They all come from Spain. Why aren’t they Europeans?”

“They’re dark” said the second.

“So are Italians. Are they white Europeans?” I asked. Nobody answered. I continued, “you know for years the Latinos and blacks have often been rivals and both of them often rivals of Jews. What makes you think that they would suddenly conspire?”

Another old timer chipped in, “those rivalries were faked. They were diversions. That’s what conspirators always do. They’re not Europeans. What do you expect of them in a European country like the U.S.?”.

“You mean we are like the French?” I asked. “Certainly they are white Europeans. Do you think our French heritage is being threatened by Haitians? Haitians speak French!”

There was silence. There would be no more deep discussions. I asked all three newbies what made them join. They were all chewing candy. They all answered together.

“The Jolly Ranchers.”

I had been curious about that. Why not m&ms or Reese’s, or Junior Mints? “Why Jolly Ranchers?” I asked.

“They’re white candies,” said all three.

The the oldies explained to me, “you won’t see Latinos eating Jolly Ranchers. Nor any Jews. They eat figs and dates. Black people, no Jolly Ranchers.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said.

“Perhaps you’e not really as white as you look,” he said, emptying a bag of Jolly Ranchers into a bowl. The newbies were filling their pockets with them.

I asked them, “do you think this is just a passing fad, or are you KKK for good?”

 All three newbies said, “as long as they’re giving out free Jolly Ranchers.”

One of the old timers said, “we’ll have Jolly Ranchers as long you guys keep coming.”

 Sounds like a recipe for a long time commitment.

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BY MARQUEL: The BODYGUARD