Canadian Extremism: SOOORRY!

Marquel was skimming Zagat for the best ever restaurant serving Canadian cuisine, when he read Canada Worries as Extremism Lures More Abroad.

Attacks and a recent report have compounded concerns in Canada about citizens who go to foreign lands like Somalia and Syria to fight, and then return as threats at home. The recent attack upon Parliament by a lone gunman, killing one soldier, has Canadians asking questions.

Did he say,”excuse me?” when he shot? Did he say,”sorry?” later? When police tried to stop him, did he acknowledge their presence with a hearty, “eh?” Or did he rudely ignore them, much as an American from south of the border might do? Marquel, abundantly, and warmly, full of Canadian friends and experiences, knew these questions went to the heart of the issue.

Furthermore, there is the national sport to consider. Those who consider it to be hockey fear the gunman might have spent a lot of time in the penalty box. Those true Canadians who recognize curling as the true national sport, hope the gunman never touched a broom, on or off the ice.

The Americans are trying to weasel their way into the act, but it is likely that Canadian manners and good sense will help repel the invaders. Messages from U.S.citizens like, “Canada, we are with you!” are politely ignored with a simple, “thank you, we’re good.”

More pointed suggestions from the U.S.are received as serious threats, much more serious than the attack itself. Marquel spoke to the Canadian consul about this.

“Yes,” said the consul, “we’ve had a lot of unwelcome advice. For instance, several former U.S.secretaries of state have advised us to find a small weak country to invade to rally the country.”

“What countries did they suggest?” I asked.

“There were several. Finland was one, and Andorra. Luxembourg, too.”

“Are you going to invade?” I asked.

“Well we could invade but we can’t figure out what to do when we got there. Finland has farms, so I guess we could occupy them, but we have enough farms and the milk lobby would go nuts. Andorra and Luxembourg baffle us. They are small easy targets. But once again, what then? Take over the casinos? Our First Nation tribes would be in an uproar.” He explained.

“So do you intend to sit tight or what?” I asked.

“This is Canada. We never thought of ‘rallying the country,’ That doesn’t even have meaning in Canada. We rally for hockey. We’re always rallying for hockey. How much rallying can one country do?” He asked.

“Well, America gets rallied all the time but it’s mostly led by Fox News and only lasts a week or two, not long enough for a war.” I said, “but what about security? Don’t you need a department of Homeland Security?”

“Not really because we’re so close to the U.S. When we want security we just go to a U.S. airport. That always leaves a Canadian with enough security to last several hockey seasons, a playoff, and a Stanley Cup or two.” He said.

“I have a feeling we’re not going to get the excitement out of this incident we’d hoped. Fox is already going full out for a war but you seem to feel you’ll just go on as usual.” I said.

“Oh yes. Do you realize how much of our time is spent on pleasantries? Thank you this you’re welcome that, I’m sorry, no I’m sorry, no please I’m sorry. We really have no time to get riled up and then have to apologize for it.”

“What about increased surveillance and security laws?” I asked.

“President Obama called us to say this was the moment to gut our constitution. We could get rid of all our civil liberties, federal protections, and such. But he’d forgotten we already have our mounted police. When you have that, what more do you need?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “they do have nice uniforms.”

“Oh don’t underemphasize that. That uniform is a visual way of saying, ‘excuse me.’ We’d be hard pressed if we had to undermine them. And we get good Cuban cigars and rum from Cuba already so we don’t need anything on that score.” He said.

“You mean Guantanamo?” I asked, somewhat naively.

“Of course. Barack said we could have the entire place if we want. We said we’re good. He didn’t know we already have the cigars and rum.” He asserted.

“Well thank you,” I said, thinking I understood the Canadian mind set thoroughly.

“No, thank you.” He said.

“No, thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

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By Marquel: CANADIAN EXTREMISM: SOOORRY!