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Carsonism on Islam

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Flea Speech Section correspondent found time to read G.O.P. Field Wrestles With Questions on Islam and the Presidency.

Donald J. Trump’s handling of a question about President Obama’a faith last week rippled through the Sunday talk shows, where his rivals often offered halting responses. Most surprisingly of all, Ben Carson the somewhat rigid neurosurgeon and 7th Day Adventist said Muslims could never be president because Islam is inconsistent with the constitution. Huh?

Marquel felt compelled to contact the Carson campaign, which was located in an Airstream trailer on concrete blocks in the backyard of the local drunk.

“We get a much better lease here than we would in a Trump building, for instance,” was the explanation given.

“So how does it work that we can just ban Muslims from public office?” Asked Marquel. “The Constitution says nothing about such a requirement.  It just says you have to be 35, born here, and be white.” Said Marquel.

“White? White?What you mean white? You’re crazy” he said.

“I was just making a point. Just as the constitution says you don’t have to be white, it says you can be any religion you want. Get it? How’d you feel when I said that?” Asked Marquel.

“But Muslims are against the constitution,” he said.

“Well the constitution doesn’t say the president can’t be against the constitution, does it? If so, Lincoln could never have freed the slaves.” Said Marquel.

“But he has to take an oath to uphold the constitution.” he said.

“Maybe the oath says that but the constitution doesn’t. Anyway how are Muslims against the constitution?”

“They have sharia, slaves, beheadings, multiple wives, don’t let women drive, those are all unconstitutional.” He said.

“Not where they do all that. And here you have no Muslims with slaves or beheading people. That’s like saying a Jewish candidate would have to obey Talmudic law. Or JFK had to take orders from the Pope.” Marquel said.

“Well those aren’t real Muslims. Those are American Muslims.” He said.

“So what you’re saying is you don’t want real Muslims but you would accept bad Muslims. Is that right?” I asked.
“I think it might be.” He said.
“What about atheists?” I asked.
“This is a Christian nation.” He said.
“Except for four out of our first six presidents all of whom were either atheists or free thinkers and definitely not Christians. How about that?” I asked.
“Well they weren’t Muslims.” He said.
“Probably not,” I agreed. “What about a Jew? As president of a Christian nation?” I asked.
“Well Christ was a Jew.” He said.
“But he wasn’t president. Could be have been president, praying in Hebrew all the time, fasting on Yom Kippur, celebrating Chanukah in the White House, ” I said.
“That’s okay except for Chanukah in the White House.” He said with conviction.
“I’m confused. You don’t want a Muslim, no atheists, Jews maybe but not Christ if he celebrated Chanukah. What should he do to get your okay?” I asked.
“Well, Christmas. The tree, everything ” he said.
“How could Christ celebrate Christmas in the White House? Christmas observes his death.” I said.
“And resurrection,” he added.
“Not till Easter. You want president Christ to lead the Easter egg hunt in the White House lawn?” I asked.
“It’s traditional.” He said.
“But it’s also illogical. Would you use leaches in neurosurgery?” I asked.
“No. Of course not. Why do you ask?” He inquired.
“Honestly I don’t know. Your answers are just so…fucked up.” I said.
“You think so?” He asked.
“Honestly, yes.” I said.
“Well that’s why we shouldn’t, can’t, have a Muslim president.” He said.
“I don’t follow you. Why?” I asked.

“That would be really fucked up.” He said.

Well how could I argue with that. The headquarters seemed appropriate. An eighty year old form of transportation. An Airstream. No Muslims allowed. A bit behind the times, but not without interest.

***

BY MARQUEL: Carsonism on Islam

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6 COMMENTS

  1. I read somewhere that Carson proves that you can be an idiot and become a neurosurgeon.

  2. I love the piece, Marquel. I bet Carson talks like that. Actually he would say anything to grab some attention

  3. Yes, the black man or the white woman. Who is more suited to do the military-corporate bidding?

  4. Excellent piece. I can totally imagine Carson talking that nonsense. Thank you Marquel

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