Compromise on Gays: Scouts Can Be Gay. Scout Leaders Cannot.

Marquel, TPVs Times correspondent read aloud: Compromise on Gays Pleases No One, Scouts Are Learning. An awkward Boy Scouts policy — don’t-ask-don’t-tell silence on the one hand, and a supposedly welcoming embrace on the other, with an 18th birthday dividing the two — has emboldened and angered gay Scouts.

Very simply the boy scouts are suffering from gender confusion of a very unique sort. Scouts can be gay. But scout leaders cannot. Marquel found this a puzzling contradiction. Instead of thinking it over, he decided to march, it seemed appropriate, right over to the the boy scouts headquarters here in the city and investigate. I asked to see the leader in charge of gay affairs but either they don’t have one or they’re not allowed to say ( don’t say don’t ask).

“Well then,” I said, “any old leader will do.”

We sat down and I asked my first question. “Let’s not get into your policy right away although I find it confused. Let me just ask you. What if it were reversed. What if scout leaders could be gay but the scouts had to be straight?”

“I don’t understand,” he said, genuinely puzzled.

“I know but let’s just proceed. What would happen?”

“I never imagined,” he said, scratching his chin and obviously thinking for the first time in years or decades. “Gay leaders… Straight boys… It might be okay. Even if the leader made advances they would be rebuffed. But it might hurt our image.”

“Of a straight organization?” I asked.

He shook his head yes.

“But now that you have all these gay scouts. doesn’t that hurt your image of a straight organization?” I asked.

“One would hope not,” he answered, “but…”

“But don’t you see that you’re not a straight organization anymore?” I asked, “you’re filled with gay members! And I don’t mean that as a pun.”

“Filled might be too strong a word,” he said, “we don’t know how many there are.”

“Based on popular statistics there would be one in ten. How many is that?” I asked.

“About twenty thousand.” He said, “but I can’t…”

“Why not?” I asked.

“That’s a lot of gay boy scouts.” He said.

“But,” I said, “nothing has changed. You haven’t taken in more gays, it’s just that now we know about them… sort  of. Don’t you think there were always those gay boys? It’s just that now you’ve admitted it.”

He scratched his chin harder and shifted in his seat more. Thinking was not his habit. Perhaps there would be a merit badge in this for him. “I never thought about it that way.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Now what about the leaders. Don’t you think that at least one in ten or more has always been gay? Did it hurt the organization?”

“Jeez,” he said, “I guess not.”

“So how are you going to accommodate these newly recognized, if not announced, gay members?”

“What were you thinking of?” He asked.

“Merit badges, actually.” I answered.

“Will here’s a list of them,” he said, pushing a pamphlet across the desk to me.

I looked through it. I decided I had to use offensive stereotypes or he wouldn’t have a clue where I was going with this. “Here’s one. Knot tying. Do you have particular knots for S&M?”

He blushed. “I don’t think that’s really appropriate at this age.”

“Well do you teach them about safe words?” I asked.

“I don’t think so ” he said somewhat uncomprehendingly.

“What would be a good safe word for a gay scout into S&M?” I asked.

“I couldn’t begin to tell you,” he admitted.

“How about,” I asked, ‘mint chocolate’ in honor of the girl scouts most popular cookie… or… ‘Old lady’ in honor of the people you walk across the street. Or how about ‘Webelos’, the word you use for a new scout who has passed through the cub scout stages of wolf, bear, and lion? “

“I suppose any of those would do.” He said uncomfortably.

“Damn!” I exclaimed, “we’re really making progress. Do you think all that could be out in next year’s scout handbook? And you really should identify the knots that are the easiest to release just for safety. In case someone forgets the safe word.”

“I’ll take it up with the leadership.” He promised.

“Make sure there are some gay leaders in the leadership, okay?” I asked.

He nodded.

“Here’s another one. The cooking badge.” Most of it’s for outdoor fires. Couldn’t you have, or maybe even have a separate badge for hors d’ouevres? I think gay scouts into cooking would prefer something a bit more domestic. ” I suggested.

“I’ll ask the leadership,” he said, obviously stalling.

“The gay leadership,” I said more aggressively. “While you’re at it , have I missed a badge for clothing? I’m thinking of how to dress well. That might also appeal to your gay boys and how about a badge just for shopping? Everybody should like that but can you imagine a field trip to Bloomies and Bergdorf’s and Desigual and maybe Uniglo, for the low end bargains? Oh you just have to do that” I said with my arm out and my hands upraised.

He said, “I’ll talk with the leadership… Including the gay leadership. “

“How will you remember all this if you don’t write it all down?” I asked. He was very cooperative.

We spent five minutes going over all my suggestions.

“Well,” I said. “That’s a long list. Maybe we should save the rest for another day. But wait.” He looked perturbed. “I don’t see it but is there a merit badge for thinking?”

“Not as such,” he said with obvious resignation and an even louder sigh, “why?”

I shook his hand and said, “I think there should be and you should get the first one.”

“Thank you,” he said, “…I think.”

He showed me the door. I saw him crumple up our notes and mumble, “fucking faggot.” I was disappointed but considered it the beginning, not the end, of a long conversation that would win him that badge one day.

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If you want to win a badge or two, go to @ThePotholeView, and see what the rules are.