[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UthSjhJFB_4[/embedyt]Marquel, TPVs NYTimes poo correspondent, was watching monkeys mate at the Bronx Zoo, when he read A Promising Pill, Not So Hard to Swallow. Researchers found that oral capsules containing human feces may be an effective and safer alternative to fecal transplants for patients with Clostridium difficile infections. Marquel thought that next time he attacks the pharmaceutical industry, they won’t be able to criticize his comment that they are full of shit. They literally are. And when people ask, you expect me to swallow that shit? The answer is a literal yes.
The real question is who is going to patent this shit? And when they go to the patent office, are they going to call it that? “Patent no. 1,145,865, Shit in a capsule.”
What glorious days we are living in, thought Marquel. But he went down to Pfizer to see what patent plans they have.
“Right now it’s in the development stage. We are trying to freeze dry it.”
“Like peanuts?” I asked, “will there be salted and non salted?”
“We hadn’t thought of that. You’re not supposed to chew it, you swallow it.” He said.
“How are you going to get people to overcome their natural aversion to eating shit?” I asked.
“Exactly. The real challenge here is not technical but psychological. We’re working on it.” He said.
“Bet you’re coming up with all sorts of cute names,” I said.
“If you call ‘tastes like chicken,’ cute. But we’re afraid people will have a retort like, ‘tastes like chicken shit.’ We also have, ‘we’re number one in number two.’ That poses less problems. But our best for the pill itself is ‘poo-ll®’ as in, ‘I feel great, I’m on the poo-ll®’ ” he said. “Our alternate name that we will be test marketing is ‘the ca-capsule®.’ As in ‘have you taken your ca-capsule® today?’ ” he said.
“If you freeze dry it doesn’t that mean you can reconstitute it with water?” I asked.
“Certainly, if you have the need. But why pay for what you can produce for free?” He asked.
“I was just thinking of the chances for mischief it might present to kids who found a jar of ca-capsules® our poo-lls® in the medicine cabinet.” I suggested.
“I think we’ll deal with that when it happens. Again, mischievous kids could produce it on their own.” He asserted.
“Tell me,” I said, “where is this shit going to come from?” I asked
“We are screening people whose waste products have the right combination of bacteria and no undesirable elements. It’ll be a high paying job.” He said.
“You’re going to hire people just for their shit?” I asked.
“For their high quality shit and high production. We already have a half dozen people producing for the experimental program. We call their offices, ‘the barn.’ ” he said.
“But what do you call them in your tax documents and their W2s?” I asked.
“Basically they function as farmers, so that’s what we call them, “intestinal drug farmers.” He said.
“Actually, they’re more like the pigs than the pig farmers,” I added.
“We couldn’t really hire them as pigs,” he said.
“No, I guess not, but still, they are your pigs,” I insisted. “When you consider their work, I imagine they just sit lazily around all day till the urge hits them. Like pigs.”
“Well if that’s true, at least they’re our pigs,” he noted.
I was leaving. “No shit,” I said.
He waved to me and said, “au contraire.”
***
BY MARQUEL: Gimme the Poo
I loved this:
“I was just thinking of the chances for mischief it might present to kids who found a jar of ca-capsules® our poo-lls® in the medicine cabinet.”
FUNNY! In the Marquel crazy way.
Only you, M, could have written about this, from this angle…
what other angle is there? you are swallowing poo
I laughed and laughed and prayed I won’t need to swallow my own poo
I loved this:
” The real challenge here is not technical but psychological. We’re working on it.” He said.
“Bet you’re coming up with all sorts of cute names,” I said.
“If you call ‘tastes like chicken,’ cute.
OMG!
Only you, Marquel, could have possibly written this:
“You’re going to hire people just for their shit?” I asked.
“For their high quality shit and high production. We already have a half dozen people producing for the experimental program. We call their offices, ‘the barn.’ ” he said.
The way you do the thing you doo, Marquel…the first question that popped into my head – does it HAVE to be human, because we’ve got this cat…
Then I remembered the diapers, the hundreds, maybe thousands of diapers that I had scrubbed from my unconscious collection
Nothing more pure, more clean that the image of a baby.
Nothing more abundant then baby poop.
Maybe some kind of cross marketing diaper / collection device – no more diaper genie, just drop it in the nearest mailbox…
You know there’s going to be some kind of DIY, all natural, hippie version of this, and, as it usually goes, you know it’s going to taste worse than the commercial one. Vermont, the eyes of the world are on you, .
There has long been a practice by doctors to mix a bit of patients feces in a drink for them. The patients never knew but it happened often