Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Weird Religions Section correspondent, was watching a youtube video on the value of religious thought, when he read Amish Sect Leader’s Conviction Is Overturned in Hair-Cutting Attacks. Samuel Mullet Sr. and eight followers, who cut the hair and beards of Amish rivals in Ohio in 2011, will remain in prison as prosecutors decide their next step.
Marquel read the story with mystery. He just didn’t get it. These are the people who sell trinkets and Apple pie in Pennsylvania somewhere and now they’ve become barbers. It just didn’t add up.
So Marquel went to the prison and had a talk with the alleged main culprit.
“Why do you hate Amish people?” I asked.
“I am Amish people,” he answered, “how could I hate them?”
“Easy,” I said, “ever heard of Jews?”
“No what’s that?” He asked.
“It’s a new hair style,” I said. “Why do you cut people’s hair off? Do you hate their hair?”
“I love hair,” he said. “I love cutting hair.”
“Well if you love the Amish and love hair,” I asked, “why did they accuse you of a hate crime?”
“I think because they hate me.” He asserted.
“Who, the Amish?” I wondered.
“No, the police.” He said.
“That’s quite possible,” I said, “they hate everybody they can’t shoot and I’m not sure a crew cut is a shooting offense. A mullet would be, though, so be careful.”
“Is a mullet like a Jew?” He asked.
“Yes,” I said, “almost exactly. Tell me why do you people insist on living in the nineteenth century? What’s so special about it? Does it say somewhere in the Bible, ‘you shalt live in the nineteenth century forever?’ “
“It says you shall live simply.” He said.
“But riding along the interstate with kerosene lamps and an old horse doesn’t sound simple to me. I know I couldn’t do it. Simple is a Toyota. A horse is complicated” I said.
“We live as simply as we can. It is God’s word.” He said.
“”But why the nineteenth century? What about the fifteenth century. Your clothes would be simpler, your houses would be colder, no horses, maybe an ox, and no Apple pie. Just gruel. Isn’t Apple pie rather fancy?”
“The community doesn’t think so.” He said.
“So the community is important.” I said. He shook his head. “So what made you cut their hair off?”
“They gave us manicures first.” He complained.
“So this is a kind of feud between your families?” I asked.
“For decades.” He said.
“What’s wrong with manicures?” I asked. “People go crazy for them in the cities. “
“We were the laughing stock. Wherever we went people laughed.” He said with a shiver.
“So is that why you cut their hair?” I wondered.
“No. First we shamed them by replacing their lamps with flashlights.”
“That must have hurt.” I said.
“Yes they had to wait till dawn to get home.” He said.
“Then what?” I questioned.
“Then we put televisions in their houses.” He said.
“That’s a low blow.” I said.
“They secretly watched Mad Men until we caught them and their husbands whipped them.” He asserted.
“That sounds like a hate crime” I said. “So what happened after the television incident?” I wondered.
“After that everything escalated. We electrified their houses with solar panels, they changed the children’s primers to French. It was ‘oui oui oui’ for three months until I decided to cut their hair off.”
“And then it was off to jail.” I said. He agreed. “Now that your convictions are reversed you should be able to get out of here.” I said encouragingly.
“Don’t want to.” He said.
“Why not?” I asked.
He took me down the hall. A line of prisoners waited. He stood by the first one and tucked him in a chair and started clipping his hair. He asked the prisoner,
“crew cut, mullet, or Jew?”
I could see my Amish friend was ready for a life term if they would give him one. But I didn’t see any hate. Just a lot of hair flying.
***
BY MARQUEL: Hair. The Amish Musical
Wonderful.
perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
peed in my pants. Bravo Marquel. You did it again!
“ever heard of Jews?”
“No what’s that?” He asked.
“It’s a new hair style,” I said.
magnificent Bro! Magnificent!
Marvelous.
“I think because they hate me.” He asserted.
“Who, the Amish?” I wondered.
“No, the police.” He said.
“That’s quite possible,” I said, “they hate everybody they can’t shoot and I’m not sure a crew cut is a shooting offense. A mullet would be, though, so be careful.”
Excellent choice of title and music. As always
Bravo