Hill’s Makeover or Trump’s Combover? That Is a Question

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Combover Section correspondent, was tanning his toes, when he read Donald Trump, Pushing Someone Rich, Offers Himself. Marquel celebrated Trump’s entry into the Republican presidential primaries because, in Marquel estimation, he would be the first president since Millard Fillmore with a combover.

1.  Furthermore, although the combover is not Trump’s major position (although we all laugh at a Trump run for the presidency), he does have position papers, the only Republican to have real positions. But even Trump doesn’t seem to realize the positive economic consequences of his various positions. By Marquel’s calculations, the budget would be balanced with a huge surplus after one Trump term. It’s amazing but he doesn’t emphasize or even mention it.
2. Perhaps he’s trying to downplay exactly what he’s planning. But to turn the Grand Canyon into a set of giant apartment complexes (and in the process renaming the location, ‘Trump Canyon,‘) would yield conservatively $40 billion plus annual royalties of $100 million.
3. Trump plans to develop all the “vacant federal properties,” which is how he terms national parks, and establish “Trump Lux Communities” in all of them, each returning several billion. In all, it comes close to trillions in total, plus a billion in annual rents. It’s quite extraordinary, thought Marquel.
4. And then there’s the navy. Trump plans to convert all ships greater than 300′ into the “Trump Lines World Fleet.” Each would function as a cruise ship, covering the world. The atomic carriers would be international civil airports to allow tourists to fly to and from the cruise of their choice.
5. Trump also plans a Trump Lines underwater fleet, composed of converted atomic submarines, to travel below various ice caps and surprise baby seals for the pleasure of the tourists. The conversion of all of our foreign embassies into travel agencies would give a huge boost to our balance of trade. Projected figures show the U.S.with a positive balance of trade for at least fifty years as foreign travelers filled the cruises and vacations sold at the embassies.
6. Trump also plans to convert the military into a “mobile work force,” working in factories from China to Ukraine, Thailand, Malaysia, and Africa, where they would bring home wages that would otherwise go to the poorest third world workers.
7. The most important position that Trump seems to offer, however, is the combover. People have accused Harrison and Tyler of combovers, as well as Millard Fillmore. But Trump is Mr. Combover and if he were president, I’m sure he would be remembered best for his hairstyle. And with the hairstyle is his combover personality. 
8. No matter what he’s discussing, Trump creates distrust. I don’t think it’s just his hair. His entire person is a combover. Though you might say Hillary, too, is a combover despite her apparently full head of hair. Combover personalities are attracted to politics because where else is deception actually valued as a resume item?
9.  But I don’t think Trump is going to make it. When you have a combover personality and you’re running for office, you have to throw a correlative bone to the public, in the form of some gesture of modesty, no matter how insignificant. Trump is too much of a complete combover to do that. Hillary, however, has been practicing that since Bill got his first Monica blowjob.

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By MARQUEL: Hill’s Makeover or Trump’s Combover? That Is a Question