[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7Bd6kT6E1Q[/embedyt] Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Education Desk correspondent, was considering applying for Continuing Ed classes when he read University Says It Can Account for Missing Brains. The university in Austin said most of the missing 100 brains, collected decades ago for research, had been disposed of as biological waste.
Marquel called around and discovered more about these brains, collected during exactly the years when Austin moved from being a backwater campus to a world class university. The most disturbing fact was that these were not disembodied brains. Almost all were tenured, 15 from the anthropology department, twice that number from the English faculty, twenty or so from mathematics, fourteen from philosophy, and lesser numbers from various other departments. Nobody in engineering or law were among the missing. In fact, the patent law faculty tripled in numbers.
Marquel thought this suspicious but called the Dean for a better explanation.
“Dean,” introduced Marcel, “why did you get rid of all these brains who made Austin into a great institution?”
“We really didn’t need that many great brains, and once our reputation was made, it seemed wasteful to pay tenure rates when we could buy three young faculty for the same price.” He said.
“But calling them biological waste is a bit harsh isn’t it?” Marquel asked.
“I agree but because they were tenured it was the only item in our books that would allow their dismissal.”
“I see,” said I, “but if they were tenured how could that work? I thought tenure meant you couldn’t be fired.”
“In general, that’s true. But there are exceptions. Economic necessity is one, if the school really can’t continue. We’ve never been that bad off, although the reasons for these dismissals was to save money so we could be more competitive in today’s educational sector. But another exception is if you close an entire department. Over the years we closed department after department, reopening them very quickly, but without the formerly tenured members. It took time but we really boosted our numbers. Thanks to the engineers and the patent lawyers.” He said.
“I noticed that. Why were they untouched? They are always the biggest paid ” I asked.
“Yes but they’re worth it. Do you realize that thirty years ago we had no patents? Today I couldn’t even count them.” He said. “It pays for everything here.”
“So where are all these missing brains?” I asked.
“We don’t keep track of them in any official way. Several are still here, rehired as adjuncts. I can’t begin to tell you how much money that saves.”
“Sounds rotten to me. They take jobs for tenure, you get rid of them by trick and then rehire them at a fraction of the cost. What about the rest?” I asked.
“I think many of them are at the University of Phoenix. Distance learning and all that. They get paid for doing basically nothing. They can all live in Hawaii or wherever, so I don’t feel bad about that.” He opined.
“So now you’re a patent factory. It used to be that academics just published their work. Here, they patent it first. Isn’t that bad?” I asked.
“Good or bad, to survive as a university today you’ve got to be a patent factory, as you put it.” He said.
“But that just contributes to escalating prices and shuts out scholarly information because people are afraid to publish. If they do, they may lose the patent they intend to apply for.” I protested.
“Well,” he said, indicating our talk was over, “at least you found we didn’t lose any heads or other body parts.” He said, tersely finishing with a “good bye.”
No, I thought, but there’s a lot of skeletons in your closet. I hung up without a word.
***
BY MARQUEL: Madly Crazy
Excellent piece!
loved it all
liked this:
“We really didn’t need that many great brains, and once our reputation was made, it seemed wasteful to pay tenure rates when we could buy three young faculty for the same price.”
perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
especially in light of this line:
“I think many of them are at the University of Phoenix. Distance learning and all that. They get paid for doing basically nothing. They can all live in Hawaii or wherever, so I don’t feel bad about that.”
Marquel at his best!