Home By Marquel North Carolina – You’re Never on My Mind

North Carolina – You’re Never on My Mind

North Carolina Allows Officials to Refuse to Perform Gay Marriages, read Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide Section correspondent. Marquel was lost in thought reading the new Carolina law, a packet of sections 213 pages long.

It allows anyone otherwise authorized to perform marriages to decline to perform gay marriages if it offends their religious sensibilities.  But 213 pages goes much farther and allows a lot more conscience searching than just religious scruples.

For instance, one section allows a magistrate to refuse to marry a couple if their style of dress
“offends his or her aesthetic sensibilities.”
Another allows a magistrate to refuse if
“it just doesn’t feel right.” The next section allows refusal if the couple is unable to identify a sexual position that the magistrate feels is “natural.”

Even for those who approve of gay marriages or for whom their religious sensibilities are unaffected, they must sign a sworn statement on the back of the marriage license that the official

“is certain they’ll outgrow this some day.”

Marquel leafed through the pages and found one that allowed the magistrate to refuse
“if the couple’s hair styles are incompatible.”
Marquel moved on. He found a section addressing previously married couples who had children under 18 who would live with them. The magistrate is allowed to refuse if he finds any of the children,
“incorrigible, precocious, bratty, or unwilling to share.”
 Marquel really didn’t know what to think. One section addressed straight couples and allowed refusal if either one of the couple
“does not look the magistrate in the eye or seems gay.”
Gay women face an especially high hurdle. The magistrate is allowed to refuse
“if either of the couple appears constitutionally unable to be able to attract the sexual interest of a straight male even if only as a beard.”
A section addressing gay male couples allows refusal
“if they can’t stop yapping” or if they cannot “refrain from touching each other for more than a few seconds at a time.”
 As Marquel noticed, a lot of the provisions are just as applicable to straight as gay couples. One global section allows refusal,
“if it is apparent from their relationship and conduct that they would qualify for a divorce under North Carolina law.”
Another part of that same provision allows refusal if the couple’s kiss lasts longer than sixty seconds
“if normal,” and only thirty seconds, “if accompanied by tongues.”

Marquel put the package down and decided to write about something at least minimally rational this week.

The North Carolina law was something beyond description. Especially the last section which said “a magistrate is allowed to refuse to conduct a marriage ceremony if either of the couple or any of their attending friends speaks with a northern accent or otherwise seems stupid beyond belief.”

Marquel would definitely be single in that state. On the other hand, he wouldn’t be caught there dead.

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By MARQUEL: North Carolina – You’re Never on My Mind

9 COMMENTS

  1. Yes, don’t marry people who tongue kiss. That’s a great idea. Especially in North Carolina where you don’t wont morons to reproduce!

  2. You’re a genius being able to make fun of such a stupid bigoted situation!

  3. I loved this:

    Even for those who approve of gay marriages or for whom their religious sensibilities are unaffected, they must sign a sworn statement on the back of the marriage license that the official
    “is certain they’ll outgrow this some day.”

  4. The beginning was super:

    the new Carolina law, a packet of sections 213 pages long.

    It allows anyone otherwise authorized to perform marriages to decline to perform gay marriages if it offends their religious sensibilities. But 213 pages goes much farther and allows a lot more conscience searching than just religious scruples.

    For instance, one section allows a magistrate to refuse to marry a couple if their style of dress
    “offends his or her aesthetic sensibilities.”

Comments are closed.