Is Your First Grader College Ready? That’s what the Times asked today. Marquel didn’t know how anybody could answer that. Is there a first grader in the world ready for college? Do first graders even know how to smoke weed? If not, could it be ready for college, in any sense? Marquel doubted it. But he found a group of parents getting their first graders ready for college so he asked them some questions.
There were a group of them. They’d just returned from a tour of nearby colleges. One six year old was as cute as could be. I asked him, “Think you’re ready for college?” His parents beamed.
“I think so. My parents got me this college survival kit.” He said. He showed me the duffle bag. It had cookies, books, some blank checks, no weed that I could see, but a suspicious package.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Condoms.” He said.
“I can see.” I said. His parents beamed. “What are they for?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “I think you put them in your pants or something.”
“I think you’re right.” I said. I turned to the parents. “What’s the point of all this?”
“To get them ready for college.” They said simply.
“Is that even possible?” I asked.
“Of course.” They said.
“What would a six year old do in college? Wet his bed?” I asked.
“Of course not. That would be immature. We’re helping them mature.” They said.
“Is that possible?” I asked, “doesn’t that happen naturally while they’re chasing each other around, playing doctor, and teasing the smallest kids?”
“Heavens no. We are making these into special kids. We asked the Dean and he said that could even enroll right now.” They said.
“Maybe it’s a scam, à way just to raise money? I asked.
“No, Timmy starts music history next week, along with western civilization and logic.” Tim’s mother said.
“How could he do music history if he’s still singing the blackbirds sing, and the theme from Frozen?” I asked.
“They’re simplifying things.” She said. Her husband looked embarrassed.
“Like dumbing it down?” I asked.
“No I think that’s unfair. They’re just slowing it down.” She said.
“I think they’re going to have to go backwards if Timmy’s going to study logic.”
“You can’t believe the competition out there. If they don’t start now, they’ll never get into a good college when he’s eighteen.” She said.
“Why? Something the matter with him?” I asked. The father stirred.
“No. But it’s not like twenty years ago. Everybody’s starting earlier and earlier. No matter how smart you are, it won’t help if there’s no place for you in the school.” She said.
“But what’s the point of going to a school when you’re six? Don’t you think he might be burnt out by twelve?” I asked.
“That’s a chance we take. But it’s better than having no place in college.” They both said.
“Okay, I give up. Tell me. What’s his major?” I asked.
“He doesn’t have to decide until he’s seven.” They said. “That’s why he’s taking history of western civ.”
“What can this boy learn of western civ? He doesn’t know what happened this morning.” I said.
“Well he will after he puts in some study time. And at seven he’ll feel comfortable choosing a major.” They said.
“Aha!” I exclaimed. “What if he wants to be a cowboy? Many seven year olds do, you know.”
“A what?” They asked.
“A cowboy,” I repeated.
“A what?” They asked again.
I gave up for the second time in the same interview. “A nuclear physicist.”
They beamed and were silent. Timmy was unwrapping a condom.
***
By MARQUEL: Old School …New Expectations
[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20g3QIUnOgY[/embedyt]
Whoa! Good job dude. Got me busting a gut! 😀
I like it… You have real skills with this satire thing…. You’re going places Marquel!
Perfect pitch!
Ditto
ditto 2
You’re a funny man Marquel…. Bill approves
Sounds like Marquel you ‘ve been lurking around my kids’ school…
Naturally I liked this: Her husband looked embarrassed
And the cowboys – you probably meant to say “livestock management technicians” – ask any 7 year old.
PS. That right there is a double major in the history of song, and modern musical theater performance:
the blackbirds sing, and the theme from Frozen
Keep the homework quick and fun and but if he can’t read fluently by the end of the week, we might need to consider some minor corrective neurosurgery.