Breaking Olympic News: Ever since Russia exercised its right as the host nation, to choose precision bombing as the newest Olympic sport, there have been murmurs that it doesn’t stand a chance against stiff competition from much more adept nations like Syria, Yemen, Libya, and the United States.
Russia’s successful introduction of the “no drones” policy was seen as a big boost to Kremlin hopes, but the last two practices have only resulted in the death of one Russian competitor and this week’s accidental destruction of a train.
Under the rules, the bombing can occur anywhere but the planning and execution must occur within the Olympic stadium. In order to judge the precision of the explosion, the time and date must be announced 24 hours in advance, but the location may be secret. Thus the world is put on notice and localities can take appropriate safeguards, adding to the competition.
In last week’s “suicide bombing,” what actually occurred was that the Russian team captain was killed in a premature explosion. Suicide bombers are allowed under the rules, but they are not eligible for medals. “It’s a team sport,” said Evgeny Trotsky, Russia’s coach.
But Russia has a long way to go before it can compete on a level playing field with their Muslim competitors, who are able to motivate suicide bombers with 21 virgins, or in many cases, with a promise of clean socks.
“All we have,” complained Trotsky, “is vodka. We can set them in the right direction, even give them a gps, but they tend to meander. Not like the Arabs who march right up to the target, ululate one or two times [ed: there are rumors that the Swiss team will yodel instead], and boom. Gold medal!”
The bank of six judges mark each team’s
bombing by first, precision (40%), effectiveness (10%), elegance (10%), unavailability of escape routes (10%), and collateral damage (30%), whether intentional or unintentional.
Intentional collateral damage garners the full 30%. Unintentional damage can be penalized the full 30%. Michelle Obama, the American coach, “is confident we will start off with those 30 points as a cushion. From there, it’s all gold.”
The most surprising development is the informal participation of Al Qaeda, whose best experts have been hired as advisors to all the teams that are truly in the running. Trotsky, the Russian, admits to hiring some, commenting, “Look, when you’re the best, you’re the best.”
The Americans are keeping mum about this but last night in the Olympic Village, multiple reports claimed hearing the First Lady ululating till the wee hours.
The quietest team is the Palestinian who have been seen sporting uncharacteristic smiles. Several wear suicide vests to meals, as if they were Vuitton garments.
Meanwhile it is expected that the Russians will be reporting more failed practice attempts as terrorist attacks.
“It is traditional in this area to make claims that aren’t always supported by facts,” said Russian coach Trotsky. “It’s the nature of the game.”
If you’d rather read the NY Times’ version, go to http://nyti.ms/1jYNrBr.
get ready for the angry letters
funny as it is terrible – liked “It’s a team sport,” and the analysis of the Russian team – that Trotsky is a funny guy, might consider comedy when he’s done with sports.
Swiss, with a CAPITAL S
the Swiss are always searching for their name…
Sorry. My bad. I’m always confusing Swiss with Emmenthal.