The Skinny, Meaty, and the Fatter

[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXaENvEzKTY[/embedyt]Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Fat and Fatter Section correspondent, was watching Dumb and Dumber when he read Exercising but Gaining Weight.  Many people who take up an exercise regimen wind up heavier, but a simple strategy may improve people’s odds of actually dropping pounds with exercise. That’s what the Times said. But if you read the article closely it says that most, not many, gain weight from exercising. Marquel thought the industry wasn’t stupid and there would be some changes to the gym business.

“Absolutely,” said the president of New York Sports. “We are an evidence based organization. We’ve restructured our facilities to incorporate the latest findings.”

“That’s quick action,” I said.

“The race goes to the swiftest, or, if you exercise, to the fattest.” He explained.

“So how’s it going to work?” I asked.

“Right at the entrance to our gym, two directions. One goes to exercise, the other to no exercise. They’re subtitled, respectively, Fat, and Skinny.” He asserted.

” Any difference in membership fees?” I asked.

“Sure. No exercise skinny is a lot more labor intensive, so it’s almost twice the price. But it’s clearly worth it to those who want to lose a few pounds.” He said.

“More labor intensive? I thought they do nothing.” I wondered.

“The clients do nothing. We have to do a lot more.” He insisted.

“Like?”

“First they can’t just sit in a dark room. So we have beautiful resting rooms. Expensive. Everyone gets their own entertainment center. PCs, smartphones, to keep them busy but still. We have overstuffed chairs and massage chairs. And new methods of massage that doesn’t require the client to turn over. No movement. No exercise.” He said.

“Any new terminology? This new passive massage?” I asked.

“Couch Potato Therapy,” it’s called. “We also had to hire clowns.” He said.

“Why clowns?” I asked.

“More interactive. We found people tired of smartphones and music. A clown keeps them still but keeps them there.” He said.

“And the results?” I asked.

“The skinny group lose several pounds the first month. The exercisers gain almost the same amount. So it works. Interesting study.” He said.

“No failures?” I asked.

“There are always outliers. Some skinnies gain, some exercisers lose. But rarely. We can predict it.” He said.

“How?” I asked.

“Pre input surveys. Those non exercisers who have breakfast, lunch and dinner, gain. Those that have only water, lose.” He said.

“And that was discovered through this new study?” I asked.

“It’s evidence based. That’s the way to go.” He asserted.

I thought maybe I should sign up. But I didn’t know for which. Should I gain or lose? The study really didn’t say which was better, not how to choose. Is it better to be skinny? Skinny people sometimes unsettle me. How about fat. Not fat, that’s obviously gross.

But how about meaty? Meaty people make me comfortable. You also don’t worry too much about hurting them no matter what you do to them, within reason. But then you have to know where on the scale you lie. Are you already meaty? A bit too meaty? Then skinny’s for you. But if you’re already skinny and not meaty enough, better get ready for some serious spinning. So boring.

Life with choices is good. No matter how vapid they may be. So, life is good.

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BY MARQUEL: The Skinny, Meaty, and the Fatter