Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Male Afterlife Section correspondent was emailing his Russian friends wondering whether he should order himself a bride or not, when he read It’s Official: Mormon Founder Had Up to 40 Wives. The church made the disclosure about Joseph Smith to show transparency about its history at a time when some members have been feeling doubtful. According to the recent studies, Mormons may have multiple wives in Heaven, but women can only have one heavenly partner.
But the most surprising thing, in Marquel’s mind, was not that Smith, the founder of one of the strangest religions born in the New World, didn’t just fool around with married women. He liked them so much he married them himself.
Marquel thought there was something special there. Here was a man who was devoted to marriage. He couldn’t have enough of it. Neither could his wives, apparently many of whom committed bigamy just in order to have Joe as (one of) their husbands(s).
This was very curious, thought Marquel. He had the feeling that Joe Smith, a pseudonym for sure, he thought, wasn’t just into fooling around. He was into marriage. M- A-R-R-I-A-G-E.
Marquel went to Salt Lake to inquire of these experts.
“How come he married all these women?” Asked Marquel. “Why didn’t he just bed them and they’d both have a bit of fun?”
“You have to read the documents. His writings are quite candid and lucid. Here’s what he wrote when he brought Betty Bingham to the Smith household: ‘Betty’s a honey. She will make a great cook. I shall use her for dessert and she will rub my back at night before the others.’
“You see, he was into increasing his number of wives, filling holes, I mean in the sense of gaps in his perceived household. He wanted someone just to open the door, so with Sally Sadface, he wrote this:
‘Sally is no looker and in bed she doesn’t know what goes where, but she opened the door for me tonight and did it so well I thought I’d marry her so she could manage the door permanently.'”
“That’s amazing,” I said. “He didn’t care if they were ugly or not. This is very curious.”
“Not only ugly, but even nonsexual. Look what he wrote about his youngest wife, Lana Llama:‘Lana has no interest in carnal delight. I was in bed for an hour with her and felt worse when finished than when we started. But she would be perfect for ironing my underclothes. I think I shall marry her.'” He read.
“Why was he driven to complete his household in that way. He was head of the Church. He could have hired someone to do all those things.” I asked.
“Yes but as his wife they had conjugal duties. A maid wouldn’t have that.” He said.
“But I thought he had no or little sexual interest in many of them.” I said.
“No normal sexual interest. But he had another side.”
“Which was?” I asked.
“Well you have to go to his lists.” He said.
“What lists?” I asked.
“Early in his life, he made a list of all the things he wanted to do. These marriages kind of match up with the lists.”
“What sort of things are on the list?” I asked.
“The first thing was, ‘create the craziest damned religion anybody could imagine.’ The second thing is, ‘invent a new kind of underclothing.’ He did them both. And more.” He told me.
“What about this more? Where is the list that explains his crazed marriage fixation?” I asked.
“It’s under ‘noodly toddlies,’ which seems to be his expression for sex.” He explained.
“How does that connect up with the multiple wives?”
“In his teens, when he wrote his lists, he wrote, ‘have as many noodly toddlies with married women as is physically possible. Or even impossible.'” He said.
“You base your conclusion on that?” I asked.
“Oh not at all. There’s more. Later in his list he specifies all the different noodly toddlies he was determined to have. Look at this.” He showed me the teenage Joe Smith list. “Have noodly toddly weekly with a woman on a table while she irons my underwear. Have noodly toddly weekly with a woman from underneath her while she ices cakes.”
Wow, I thought. He was just fulfilling his fantasies. It’s all about crazy sex. Smith invented a religion to have crazy sex.
“Hey,” I said. “Do you think Smith just invented a religion to have crazy sex?”
“That’s surely the way it looks. But who can look into the soul of another man?” He asked.
“Whoever’s got his list” I offered.
***
BY MARQUEL: Smith Says…
Loved the ‘noodly toddlies,
Only Marquel and his crazy mind could have come up with them
Funny
Funny fluff.
Great Friday read
loved it.
Loved the take on Simon says
Isn’t that true for all religions? Loved it, too