Supreme Court Agrees to Weigh Arkansas Inmate’s Right to Grow a Beard. Others demand pirate garb. One Muslim demands homemade IED as religious icon.

The New York Times reported Supreme Court Agrees to Weigh Arkansas Inmate’s Right to Grow a Beard.  Marquel, TPVs Times life and religion correspond​ant discovered that others demand pirate garb and one Muslim demands homemade IED as religious icon.

The issue of prisoner freedoms is an old and tired one in this country so it is neither unusual nor especially noteworthy that one prisoner wants to grow a beard. What is noteworthy, Marquel duly noted, was the state of Arkansas’s defense to their rule: allowing beards would allow the prisoners to disguise themselves and thus, we assume, escape. Marquel thought the reasoning obscure but admirably creative and couldn’t wait to speak to the warden of this non-hirsute carcere.

Checking the map it looked like I could drive south, take a right at Georgia, and I’d find Arkansas or vice versa. My GPS agreed, but it had to show off and make it seem more complicated. Amazingly, the GPS and I arrived together and at the same time right in front of the prison.

The warden didn’t seem a bad sort but just like in a 40s movie, he had a sidekick (I’m sure there’s a technical term but he was just introduced to me as Earl) who had a threatening habit of slapping his huge collection of keys into the palm of his other hand. And, naturally, he was brutally huge. But the warden, as I say, seemed a good sort.

“Warden,” I started, “I’m really curious, more than I can adequately describe, about the argument that a beard would constitute a disguise. Can you elaborate?”

“Well it’s a beard.” He said. He said no more. I surmised this was a taciturn warden. Not Earl, who kept slapping his keys.

“Yes,” I said, “that’s true. By why is it a disguise if the prisoner wears it.”

“Hmmm,” said the warden, “maybe things are different in New York. Let me ask you…If I say disguise, what’s the first word that comes to mind?”

I felt like I would let down my readers if I said anything except the obvious, but that I would let the warden down if I didn’t. And then there was Earl…. So I said, “beard?”

“Good!” He shouted, “we’re making progress.”

“Well yes,” I offered, “but you think of that when someone puts on a fake beard to hide their identity. Here, the prisoner isn’t trying to fool you. He’s already said he’ll be wearing a beard.”

“Oh no he won’t” threatened the warden. Earl slapped his keys twice as punctuation.

“Of course not,” I agreed, “but my point is that it’s not a disguise if he asks in advance.”

“How’s that?” wondered the warden. Earl scratched his head.

“Well, if I’m going to a costume party and I tell everybody I’ll be wearing a beard, it’s no longer a disguise. It’s the opposite. It’s like a sign on my chin saying it’s me,” I explained.

“Not if everybody’s wearing beards.” He suggested. “More importantly, this ain’t no costume party. It’s a goddammed prison.”

“I see your point,” I consiliated. “But only one person will have a beard here, so it will be more distinctive than disguise.”

“Nope, it won’t, because there’ll be no beards here. They’re not hippies, they’re prisoners!” He insisted.

“Well that’s certainly true.” I agreed. Earl made a noise. I think he was agreeing too.

“What about this pirate costume? The prisoner claims it’s his religion.” I asked.

“Isn’t that the most goll-danged piece of horse shit you’ve ever heard?” He asked. Earl was back to his key slapping.

“Between you and me,” I agreed, “yes. But apparently if it’s religious attire, there might be a legal claim.”

“If being a pirate’s a religion, they’ll have to put me in jail for anti-religion,” he said. Earl made another agreeing noise, which just sounded like phlegm being moved a piece down his throat.

“But once again,” I said, “what’s the harm? A prisoner dressed like a pirate will always be easy to spot.”

“That’s why you’d never make a good warden,” he said, tapping his head with a finger. Earl did the same. With his own head and finger.

“Huh?” I asked colloquially.

The warden was still tapping his head. I’d decided to ignore Earl for the time. “You’ve got to keep several steps ahead of these prisoners,” he said, pausing. I looked questioning at him. “What if he takes it off? Then how do we recognize him?”

“Well I assume everyone else would still be clothed. He’d be the only naked prisoner. Doesn’t that make things easier?” I asked.

“Aha!” He sprang. “What if they all took off their clothes? How would we find the pirate then?” He asked. I avoided Earl’s triumphant stare. I’d never had such a difficult interview. The warden, in my opinion, was still a good sort. But he was an idiot.

“Well then, finally,” I asked, “what about this other Arab prisoner who says that an IED, a homemade bomb, is part of his religious belief system and he has a right to one.”

“You know,” he offered, “that one’s got me. For an A-rab, I would think a bomb would be like a cross to a Christian. It’s what he believes in. Allah and bombs. You can’t deny it.”

“Nope,” I agreed, “you can’t.” I heard Earl’s mucus once more. “So what’s your plan?”

“Well I think the guy’s got a point. We’ve just got to keep him far away from the others in case of detonation,” he urged.

“That’s decent of you,” I said.

“Well it’s not like it’s a disguise. It’s a matter of principle. I believe in religion. Even A-rab religion. It’s not a disguise,” he repeated.

“No, it’s not a disguise,” I agreed.

I followed Earl out of the prison. He said nothing as I got in the car and drove away. But I still heard his mucus moving as I entered the interstate.

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If you feel following Marquel around the country’s prisons, interviewing wardens go to @MarquelatTPV.