Home Political mores The Genius of Herman Cain (ruined by a Ben Stiller movie)

The Genius of Herman Cain (ruined by a Ben Stiller movie)

A Message from Caine

 The Republican primary season (can something that lasts 18 months be considered a season?) is nothing if not entertaining. Trump’s self-proclaimed victory over Obama and quick retreat to reality TV, Sarah Palin’s self-authored version of U.S. History and quick retreat to a bus with agiant image of Sarah Palin on it, Michelle Bachmann’s self-engineered implosion and quick retreat to a

faulty understanding of how a vaccine (and everything else) works—what’s not to enjoy?

And that’s to say nothing of the front runners, who very, very clearly hate each other: Romney’s more than evident disdain for Perry’s plebian manner, and Perry’s reciprocal animosity toward Romney for the patrician and contemptuous way Romney addresses him. But despite the safe money betting on those two making it the farthest, we have been offered a bonus (like a free topping on a pizza) in the form of Herman Cain. This guy could be even more entertaining than Trump or Palin, and will at least stick around for a few of the primaries before giving up. And according to recent polls, he’s ahead of both of the guys who were supposed to be the real contenders.

What’s really fun, though, is that Cain and his campaign, in soundness of policy if not in affect, are only a step or two up from New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan of ‘The rent is Too Damn High Party’

SEE VIDEO HERE: watch?v=S6VnTqpTqvQ

Most recently Cain introduced a bizarre ad which features his chief of staff (and recently retired Target stock boy) Mark Block extolling the campaign’s bizarreness, and then, bizarrely (how else would he do it?), taking a drag on a cigarette and blowing the smoke into the camera 

SEE VIDEO HERE: watch?v=S6VnTqpTqvQ

The Cain campaign either can’t or won’t explain why such visuals were used, so don’t ask.

You might think that a guy whose only presidential qualification is having run an absolutely terrible pizza place (Godfather’s makes even Domino’s seem edible) would do what he could to be taken seriously. But his economic plan—and cornerstone of his campaign—does the opposite. Admittedly, it’s succinct, and easy enough to understand that even the dimmest Tea Party bulb can figure it out. 9-9-9. That’s it. 9% Federal, state, and sales tax rates. Which, in its own way, is genius (apparently the game Simcity features the same tax code, but it seems that Cain’s plan was actually recycled from an Institute for Policy Innovation report from 1996 (written by the finest economic minds that the comic book industry could muster, I’m sure)). But it’s only genius until someone in the Republican field figures out that the number eight exists. Sadly, Herman could have seen this coming if he’d remembered the Ben Stiller movie “There’s Something About Mary,” in which Ted (Ben Stiller) picks up a hitchhiker:

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7… Minute… Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you’re going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin’ there, there’s 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That’s – how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you’re not happy with the first 7 minutes, we’re gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That’s it. That’s our motto. That’s where we’re comin’ from. That’s from “A” to “B”.
Ted: That’s right. That’s – that’s good. That’s good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you’re in trouble, huh?
[Hitchhiker convulses]
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody’s comin’ up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won’t even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That – good point.
Hitchhiker: 7’s the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that’s the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin’ on a branch, eatin’ lots of sunflowers on my uncle’s ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea. It’s like you’re dreamin’ about Gorgonzola cheese when it’s clearly Brie time, baby.

Cain’s already gone farther than both Trump and Palin did, and if he has other ideas that match the brilliance of 9-9-9, plus ads that appeal to our desire to see campaign workers smoking cigarettes, maybe he could become president. If it doesn’t work out, he can always fall back on America’s insatiable appetite for horrible pizza.




  1. I know it’s kind of moot, and late, and over, but I did enjoy the laugh. Thanks


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