Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Sticks and Stones Section correspondent, was massaging his fingers so he could later massage his legs and start running, when he stopped to read that Dutee Chand, Female Sprinter With High Testosterone Level, Wins Right to Compete. The international court governing track said too much testosterone doesn’t define a male or woman but it also insisted that it is
“inappropriate to subject athletes to sex verification, external genitalia examinations or chromosome testing.”
Marquel really didn’t understand this. The difference between men or women always seemed simple. SPOILER ALERT: Men have penises.
Marquel wondered why there was such a brouhaha over estrogens and testosterone, which will never yield a clear result, when science and biology have already provided the easiest solution.
So he went to the sports court and asked the judge, “Why are you so obsessed with hormones when the answer to gender is so potentially obvious?”
“Because it would be a terrible invasion of privacy to subject athletes to medical examination.” Said the judge.
“Jesus, with swimmers it’s perfectly obvious who has what. Or doesn’t. And a couple years ago our women’s soccer team was taking off their tops with joy. One more layer and the answer would be obvious. I mean, athletes don’t seem to be concerned about their privacy when it comes to their bodies.” Said Marquel.
“That may be, but an imposed examination seems a bit different.” He said.
“And discussion of estrogen and testosterone levels is just dinner conversation? And the blood tests necessary to measure them? Isn’t that a greater invasion of privacy?” Asked Marquel.
“You seem to be missing the point. It’s the testosterone level that many female athletes believe gives an unfair advantage.” Said the judge.
“But this isn’t artificial testosterone that the athlete injects. It’s her own natural metabolism. If it gives her an advantage, so does reaction time or muscle mass, or eyesight, or bone structure. Why isn’t that an unfair advantage?” I asked him.
“Well we might have to look into that if it is gender related.” He said.
“Well of course it is. That’s why we have male and female competitions because women and men are different naturally.” I said. He looked surprised.
“You’re missing the point. We have to use something in contested cases and it still seems outrageous to subject all athletes to a physical examination.” He said.
“Don’t you think physical examination should be required of all athletes, just for their own health?” I asked.
“Well of course. But not of their genitalia.” He said.
“What’s so sacred about genitalia?” I asked, “look at Michael Phelps. He doesn’t even have feet. He’s got size 14 flippers.” I said.
“But that’s not genitalia.” He countered.
“No but look at the four athletes at the London Olympics who were disqualified as women because they had internal testes. That’s a pretty severe invasion of privacy, it seems to me,” I said.
“So you think they should have been allowed to compete against women as women?” He asked.
“They didn’t have penises. That seems to be the test, and except for swimmers and a few others, like Greco Roman wrestlers, a simple physical exam would reveal that without publicising their metabolisms or internal anatomies.” I argued.
“Well it will be a sad day when the sports world required athletes to be examined for penises.” He said.
“Penises? Like more than one? They’d still be men, even more so.” I observed.
“I didn’t mean it that way but you get my point.” He said.
“Touché,” I said.
I don’t know, but perhaps we agreed to disagree, which is not something I often, or ever, do.
***
By MARQUEL: The More the Merrier
Loved it
Hilarious
Marquel, over and over and over again you’ve proved to be the only reasonable person around. A penis makes a man. Agreed
Pure fuquel
Funniest yet. Bravo
Good work Marquel
OMFG Marquel I LOVE this article!!!
OMFG Marquel!! I love the article!!!