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The Virtues of Rick Santorum

Republican presidential candidate and former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum is flanked by his daughter Elizabeth (L) and wife Karen (R), as he formally declares his candidacy for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination during an event in Cabot, Pennsylvania, May 27, 2015. REUTERS/Aaron Josefczyk

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Home Whating? Section correspondent, was going to sleep when he read that Rick Santorum Joins Republican 2016 Presidential Race.

Marquel heard that Santorum has home schooled six children and wondered how that could work out with a certified idiot as a teacher. Do they rate home schoolers the way they rate public school teachers? Bet not.

Journalism schools, none of whom Marquel even attended for a day, discourage using the children of public figures as sources but Marquel really doesn’t give a shit about journalism rules, well aware of the worse than sorry state of U.S. journalism, but also because he was baffled how to investigate home schooling without going to the home.

Marquel didn’t go into any homes but he did hang around playgrounds and he was able to talk to four of the Santorum offspring. It was a dull day.

The first one,  seven years old,  said he goes to school, “at home. “

“What do you learn or study there? ” Asked Marquel.

“Everything, ” the young ‘ un said.

“Well what books do you read? ”  Asked Marquel.

“We don’t read books or old technology.  We watch tv and twitter and Facebook. “

“Well sometimes that can be enlightening.  What do you watch on tv?” Asked Marquel.

“Just Fox, ” he said.

“Like O’Reilly?” Marquel queried.

“Yes, but he’s not very reliable.  Not very conservative,  a bit leftist,  and a nonbeliever.” Said the nine year old.

His 11 year old sister offered to explain.

“Religion is the main virtue of citizenship and we’re learning to be good citizens.  You must believe in Christ and that he’s coming back real soon. ” she said.

“So I guess evolution is out” said Marquel.

“No not at all. It happened in six days,  about a thousand or two thousand years ago.” She said.

“Have you studied the ancient greeks and Romans? ” I asked.

“We’ve learned that people from other countries can’t be trusted.  So we don’t study them too much. They are from other countries right?” She asked.

“I would say so, ” I said,  “what about the basics. Know your times tables?” She looked stunned.  “Well how much is two times two? Or two plus two? ”

She became more relaxed. “Daddy said God will give us those answers when they’re necessary.  But scripture is more important .” She said.

“But what about global warming?  Don’t you want to become a scientist and solve it? ” I asked.

She was laughing. “I guess I could if there were such a thing.  But temperatures are created by God,  not man,  and it would be apostasy to claim to be able to do only what God can do.”

An older brother interrupted.

“Global warming was invented by apostates to scare us into disbelieving.  But they come and go. Every age had its imposters and nonbelievers.  Look at FDR. He tried to destroy the U.S. but God protected us because in those days we were united in having a Christian nation .”

“So what about Jews? Can they be Americans? ” I asked.

“Well of course not.  That’s what it means to be a Christian nation.  But they can be useful in hastening the second coming. ”  He offered.

“And Arabs?  Are they useful? ” I asked.

“Not directly of course.  Terrorists keep us on our guard.  But their goal is to destroy us.  So they’re only useful as the very personification of evil and the devil ” he explained.

“What about abortion, ” I asked.

His face turned red,  and he said “Ssshhh, not in front of sis. She knows it’s bad but doesn’t know what it is. ” He said.

“And what about you? ” I asked.

“Well I don’t know what it is either but dad says I’ll learn over time. But girls are not supposed to talk about or know about such things.  Just that it’s bad,  a sin,  and God will strike you dead if you do it. Want to talk to my oldest brother? ” He asked.

“No thanks.  You might say I’ve had enough.  Got to go read my Bible.  I’m a little behind. ” I said.

“Well God bless! ” They all chimed in.

“Oh, yes.  Oh, yes.  Let’s hope so, ” I answered.

***

By MARQUEL: The Virtues of Rick Santorum

6 COMMENTS

  1. This is a classic

    “Religion is the main virtue of citizenship and we’re learning to be good citizens.”

  2. liked this the most:
    “So I guess evolution is out” said Marquel.

    “No not at all. It happened in six days, about a thousand or two thousand years ago.” She said.

  3. Marquel, I know this is invented by your marvelous mind, but I’m sure your description is accurate in its tone of the Santorum precepts. Excellent piece!

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