Happy Festivus to the RestofUS

Daily Journal


Donald J. Trump

[TPV has exclusive access to some of Donald Trump’s journal entries thanks to our relationship with a soon to be former White House aide—we can’t divulge her name, but we can say that it rhymes with Jamorosa and she’s not happy with the president.]

  1. Today I am feeling down. Not the sort of down I felt when Jeff [Sessions] recused himself and left me open to that FBI investigation, but still down. Not as down as when Rex said I wasn’t smart and I had to tweet about his stupid I.Q. Not as down as when that Mexican judge was mean to me just because of the whole Mexicans are rapists thing. Not as down as when Melania made me compare the size of my hand to hers and did some trick to make her hand look so much bigger. Not down like that, but still down.
  2. Why can’t we have a cabinet meeting every day? That usually does the trick—Mike and Ben and Rex and Steve have such nice things to say about me. And everything is really tremendous! They tell me that no administration in history has accomplished as much as we have, and then I tell them that no administration in history has accomplished as much as we have, and then they tell me it again. And it’s such an honor for them! I can tell because they always say that. Ben told me he was truly blessed to be Secretary of the Interior, and then Ryan Zinke told Ben that actually he was Secretary of the Interior and Ben has a different job, and then Ben said he must have been confused by the fact that he was inside, so he just assumed that it was the interior that he supposed to be secretarying. But they both had really nice things to say about me and their jobs and how we’re getting everything done big league. Rick [Perry] tried to play along and said he thought it was going ‘bigly’ great, which I don’t even think is a real word, but he’s been so hangdog recently that I didn’t have the heart to correct him.
  3. Anyway, at the last meeting Mike really did a great job, a tremendous job of telling me what a great job I have been doing. But then I saw one of those fake news guys asking Sarah at her press conference about what another fake news guy said here

    I don’t get it. It was almost like the fake news guy was trying to say Mike shouldn’t have said those things? Almost like he didn’t mean those things? I don’t understand.

  4. And then someone on the TV fake news said that if Barack’s cabinet friends had said things like that Barack would have laughed. Why? Does that mean he’s laughing at me when Mike tells me he’s blessed to work for me? Is every twelve seconds a lot? Besides, that leaves 11 seconds when he’s supposed to be talking about what, exactly? This doesn’t make sense.

    And why can’t I stop thinking about what Barack thinks? I wonder what he’s doing right now and what he’s saying about me. It’s so frustrating—he almost never tweets, so I always have to guess. And every time I used to try to call him Bannon wouldn’t let me. General Kelly is the same way. Always telling me no, telling me not to tweet this, not to tweet that, not to give ammunition to the investigators. That’s why it’s so nice to have my phone at four and five in the morning—Bannon and General Kelly can’t tell me what not to tweet when they’re asleep! I have the best words.

  5. And then after I finish my morning tweets at around 5:30 or 5:45 that fourth or fifth can of Diet Coke really helps me unwind. Sometimes I’ll call Mike up right then—he does this routine where he asks why I’m not asleep, as if he’s surprised that I’ve already been awake for so long—just to hear if he’s felt any new sense of pride in serving someone like me. Usually he says he has. And I’ve started timing how long it takes him to praise me when I call—this morning it took almost 45 seconds! I saw that the big hand and the little hand told me it was exactly 5:36, and that long quick hand almost did a whole circle! So this every twelve seconds thing is made up. Fake news!

    Still, it would be nice to know what Barack thinks about it. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about him. One more Diet Coke after this journal entry, and maybe General Kelly will let me give him a really quick call. Maybe if start by telling him what a great job he did and what an honor it is to talk to him he’ll tell me what he really thinks. I sure hope so.

    By RUFUS DAVIS: Happy Festivus to the RestofUS

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