Home By Marquel In the Beginning There Was O’Reilly

In the Beginning There Was O’Reilly

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Bible Stories Section correspondent, was stumped over what to do next with his freedom, when he read Bill O’Reilly and Fox News Redouble Defense of His Falklands Reporting. Marquel had heard some industry gossip but frankly didn’t believe it. O’Reilly’s defense seemed to go off the deep end. O’Reilly’s show, subtitled, “The No Spin Zone” was finally accurate because this went way beyond spin. However, Marquel, like any good journalism school graduate, which Marquel was not, knew that the byword to good reporting is, “check your facts and recheck.”

So Marquel went over to Fox. O’Reilly would “gladly” clarify the facts for him.

“What’s on your mind?” Asked O’Reilly.

“This thing about being ‘right there’ in a war zone, and saving a wounded reporter who you dragged to safety, with no supporting facts, in actuality with witnesses disputing your claims. That’s no spin?” Asked Marquel.

“Of course there were no witnesses. Imagine here’s a wounded reporter. Do I drag him into the crowd to get shot again? Or do I drag him to shelter? Shelter, get it? Where he’s sheltered. Hidden from danger. Of course there are no witness. We were sheltered from witnesses. That was my purpose” he argued.
“I see,” said Marquel. “What about being ‘there’ in a war zone?”
“Oh come on. What are you, a pinhead? Here, I’ll read from what’s called a dictionary.” He said, pulling out one of those mini dictionaries. He looked back and forth through the apparently brand new never opened book. “Ever heard of one? Read one? I do all the time because this is the no spin zone. How are these arranged… Alphabetically? What comes before t?  Here’s the definition:
‘there
? adverb
1. in, at, or to that place or position’
You see? You can be in a war zone. You can be at a war zone. You can be to a war zone, and you’re there. I was to the war zone. I was there. I don’t have to be in it, only to it. And I was to it.”
“As in going to it?” I asked.
“Fine. Have it your way. As long as you agree I was there. The dictionary doesn’t lie. It’s part of the no spin zone.”
“Well now that we’ve got that straightened out,” I started.
“Let me tell you I’ve been in a lot nastier places, and been on beats nobody can match. The No spin zone is more than no spin. It’s also the no-one’s ever been there zone.” He said. “Except me.”
“Like where? Where were you so special besides at your Fox Desk?” I asked.
“How about the Creation? I was there. I saw the heavens first. And the earth. And all the animals. And the sun. And night and day.”
“You were there at the Creation?” I asked.
“Absolutely.” He insisted.
“Any witnesses?” I asked.
“Any witnesses?” he repeated. “Only the best  One of all time. The Creator?” He suggested.
“But at the Creation there were no people because God hadn’t yet created man.” I said.
“Yes but He allowed the press to cover it. Somehow He knew he’d need corroboration some day.”
“Did you stick around? Meet Noah? Job? How about Christ?” I needled him.
“Not Jesus. He made me nervous. Too many boyfriends and the things they did to each other…disgusting.”
he said.
“Then who?” I asked.
“Mary. Even slept with her.” He said.
“But she was a virgin!” I exclaimed.
“Ha! So she said. Everybody slept with her because she said that. She sidled up to me in a date grove while I was writing a story about the Philistines. Awful people. And she says, rubbing her pert breasts against my arm, ‘wanna fuck a virgin?’ That’s every man’s dream so I said fine. We went to her tent and when it was over I told myself, ‘either she’s done this before or she’s watching cable porn.’ There was no-one who didn’t sleep with her. She was good, but no virgin. Gave great head.” He said.
I knew the guy was nuts.But it was a no spin zone. The lies O’Reilly tells go way beyond spin or even lying. I don’t know what to call it but that man lives in a world where only he matters. Even God seems to have taken a back seat to truth.
He was to the Falklands, at the Creation, and slept with the virgin Mary who gave great head. And Jesus was “disgusting” with his boyfriends. I suppose the word is megalomania.
What comes before m?
***
By MARQUEL: In the Beginning There Was O’Reilly’s

9 COMMENTS

  1. I don’t know to much about the idiot, but I love his pinhead insult. I call my kids pinheads because of that

  2. I find your irreverent piece very very funny….they all slept with her because she was a virgin. BRAVO

  3. No one cared that Brian Williams stopped reading the news and made himself into the news

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