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Barefoot Runners – Your Shining Moment

VibramIf you didn’t already look like a jackass, well here’s your shining moment.  For all those putzes who thought they were so “roots” by running around in a pair of the “Barefoot Running Shoe”, the father company, Vibram, is finally admitting that these shoes don’t give you all (make that any of) the benefits they marketed when they fooled you into buying their so-called shoes, because you happen to be gullible and believe the scienceish PR from running shoe companies:

  1. Strengthen muscles in the feet and lower legs

  2. Improve range of motion in the ankles, feet, and toes

  3. Stimulate neural function important to balance and agility

  4. Eliminate heel lift to align the spine and improve posture

  5. Allow the foot and body to move naturally

The idiots that developed “Barefoot Running Shoe imply that your pair of old tennis shoes is “unnatural”.  The knuckleheads are trying to reverse all the years of technology that have gone into creating proper footwear.  A more sarcastic man than myself might quip:

You mean we invented shoes for health reasons?

I can only imagine the Vibram folks thinking (or whatever they do) that the government tries to brainwash you into buying “unnatural” shoes.  What these acai-drinking-gluten-free-Paleo-dieting seem to have forgotten is that just because something resembles “cave man” doesn’t mean it’s either purer, or  going to make you stronger, ergo, live longer.   If these dolts stopped to ask, why do marathon runners wear shoes?, maybe they would begin to question the validity of some of Vibram’s claims.

Or, maybe I’ll just start selling purple dyed glue, and market it as

“This ancient recipe has finally been revealed.  Scientists have invented a way for the poison from the highly deadly Caladium plant to be ingested, just like the natives from Amazonian tribes have done for centuries.  This Acai infused Caladium paste can be eaten plain or spread on fruit or bread.  Eating it will improve strength, focus, eyesight, calm nerves and in general prepare you for a longer life! Get Caladium today!”

Would you buy my product (a gallon for $10) or would you Google this scienceish PR from a man eager to make a buck? If you choose the first option, please call.

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1 COMMENT

  1. Those sneaker things, I read that if you get far enough into the flow, you can use those to climb buildings like Spider man – of course you need the hand ones too.

    Also, I did look up Caladium, AKA Angel Wings, is this some kind of TPV boutique drug deal, like you used to be able to order from the back of High Times to get high totally legally! Man those were the good old day! Lots of throwing up, sure, and those headaches, but at least you were high.

    Or maybe just dizzy, kind of hard to tell.

    Did you say Amazon?

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