Branding Government Services

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Coupon section correspondent, was brushing his teeth humming a Broadway tune, Mack the Knife, when he read Obama’s V.A. Pick: Former P.&G. Chief President:Obama to nominate Robert A. McDonald to be the next secretary of Veterans Affairs, a White House official said Sunday.

Proctor and Gamble is delighted that their former CEO will head the VA. He has promised to buy everything from them if they can succeed in the low bid process and has also promised to tell them of the lowest bid before they make their own. McDonald says it will make for greater uniformity when patients visit VA hospitals, which will reduce stress, an important factor in treating veterans. Wherever they look, says McDonald, “they’ll see P&G products. They’ll be happy campers.”

Marquel interviewed McDonald shortly after his name was announced. He was loaded with plans and ideas.

“We will treat the VA, especially its hospitals, like a business and we will get results the way P&G got them, through hard work, competition, consumer satisfaction, and lots of money spent on advertising and branding.”

Marquel thought this a bit unusual so he asked McDonald specifically for his plans.

“Coupons,” said McDonald, “we will have daily and weekly coupon campaigns, some through bulk mail, some via email, and some hospital based. Our veterans will not lead tedious lives. They will be cutting coupons and redeeming them as they do at their local supermarket.”

“What kind of coupons?” I asked.

“For a variety of procedures,” he answered, “for instance cataract operations, chemotherapy, organ replacement, liposuction, dialysis, orthopedic procedures, even physical therapy.”

“So you clip a coupon for cataracts and present it at the VA hospital and it’s done?” I questioned.

“Well, the coupon pays for part of it. The rest is picked up by the veteran.”

“I thought VA care is free” I said.

“VA care WAS free,” he emphasized, “but you saw how that worked out. At P&G, nothing was free but our promotions were always substantial. You can’t do business selling things for free. It’s, quite simply, ridiculous.”

“Okay, coupons,” I remarked, “what else?”

“Obviously, seasonal sales. Christmas and Thanksgiving should be sellouts.”

“Sales on what?” I asked.

“Mostly the same as the coupons. All the services we normally provide but marked down. For instance a veteran needing prostheses might be considering it for months. It’s scary. But when he sees our holiday offerings he’ll be running to the hospital to have those legs removed.”

“I see,” I said, “what else?”

“Branding. We’re going to make VA stand for something.” He said.

“What exactly?” I asked.

“These veterans risked their lives. The VA stands for that sacrifice. We will have ongoing campaigns making it clear that the VA is what veterans fought for, now they have it, and they should be proud. ‘VA. You fought for it.’ That will be our first year campaign.”

“But they didn’t fight for VA benefits. VA benefits are what they get for having fought for America. And they hope they won’t need VA benefits too much.

“

Wrong. They fought for the VA. It’s America itself. That’s why it doesn’t work.” He said.

“And you’re going to change that?”

“Absolutely. We will be expanding overseas. A side benefit of our worldwide interventions is that there are veterans in dozens of countries who will need VA care. We’ll be opening branches all across the Middle East first. VA will be the symbol of American exceptionalism.”

“International, huh?” I commented.

“Oh yes in many ways. We will be looking for partners or subsidiaries. The first one will be P&G. I don’t know how we’ll structure it but probably with a VA shell that will hold both entities. There are a lot of other enterprises that look both interesting and synergistic. Both Ford and Fiat look good.”

“Car companies?” I asked, “what in the world for?”

“Eventually we will spin them off at a huge profit. That’s what it’s all about.” He asserted.

“I see,” I remarked, a bit overcome.

“Anything else?” I wondered.

“We’ve obviously got to beef up our pay and retirement packages and install some strategic poison pills to maintain our personnel.”

“I never heard of poison pills at government agencies.” I said.

“VA. VA .VA. It’s not an agency. It’s what you fought for.”

“Yes,” I said, “I forgot.”

“I guarantee you won’t do that again.” He said.

“I’m afraid I won’t,” said I, “after all it’s what we fought for.”

He smiled as broadly as Reagan once did.

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BY MARQUEL: Branding Government Services