Canada Chooses Three Sisters for Its Olympic Skiing Team – to avoid Soviet hostility to gays

The recent claim that three sisters will compete in the exact same sport was suspicious because it has never happened before, The Times reported. Think about the odds, variously estimated from infinite to 100,000 to 1. Then think about the odds that an Olympic athlete might be gay–1 in 10 at the very least. Then, I thought about the odds of being gay for three women who live together….

So, I had a lot of research to do. It turns out that there are dozens and dozens of athletes this year who claim to have siblings in the game. In the far north I had to snowshoe to a small  provincial office and there it was in black and white (actually it was more like gray and gray because all I saw was a computer screen). A marriage certificate for three young women.

I turned to the clerk and asked “Can they do that in Canada?”

“Oh yes,” he said. “As long as they’re the same sex.” He paused and added, “And species….” He giggled.  Then he laughed. Then he guffawed and slapped his knees. He told me I was the only visitor he’d seen since Canada day. I don’t know when that is but I suspected it was a long long time ago.

I then went to the IOC headquarters in Lausanne. First I took off my snowshoes. There I found dozens of athletes who suddenly had found siblings, most just after Putin made his homophobic crack a few weeks ago.

The IOC confirmed for me that the numbers were “strangely higher” this year. In fact two entire curling teams from 2 nations to which I assured confidentiality–that’s eight people altogether–were brothers or sisters. The odds made that impossible. When I inquired, however, the coach of one team said it was true and seemed to cause much more violence than this otherwise peaceful, even domestic, sport usually experienced.

In a thick Quebecois accent, the coach told me,

They are constantly fighting over who’s going to be the sweep.

“The sweep?”

“Oui. Zat ees zee player avec zee broom. You know, he sweeps. Like a femme de ménage. Zey, how you say…bicker?”

I nodded knowingly, and said

I get it .

Except for skiing and curling, the most brothers and sisters seem to be in the bobsled events where one player said quite candidly,

“I love how we all get squished in there together. I feel so close to my…” there was a long pause before he continued, “… teammates. Yes, I love my…teammates. Don’t you think they’re cute???”

I stopped off in Sochi before returning to the States and ran into the Soviet spokesperson who told me that Putin would be watching most of the games, especially skiing, curling, and bobsled.

“Really?” I asked. “Those are cold sports. He could get sick, especially if he takes his shirt off.”

“Well, no, he’s going with a friend who will make sure he keeps warm. It’s his brother, actually.”

I felt like kissing him but we just hugged.

[Ed.: Marquel mistakenly wrote Soviet instead of Russia but when asked for permission to correct it he bristled and said, “No, Soviet it still is.” Also, Canada Day is celebrated on July 1, a day referred to by Canadians as a day of “crushing banality.”]

For some other news watch this US Olympic skiing team getting ready for the Russian Winter Games: [youtube id= T1tIEMuQ6ts width= 470 height=315]