Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Chaplin-Hitler Section correspondent,was brushing his teeth, when he read German Anti-Immigrant Figure Quits Post Over Hitler Portrayal. Lutz Bachmann, of Pegida, or Patriotic Europeans Against the Islamization of the West, had appeared as Adolf Hitler in an image on his Facebook page.
Marquel thought the news showed the right wing, once again, to be more foolish than dangerous. As long as they’re out of power, that is. When they’re in power, perhaps the foolishness means they really are fools. And that’s dangerous.
In any event Marquel just had to meet this Bachmann, to see what Nazis are like before they take power. Marquel was certain this is how the first Hitler started out. A few photos in the paper and, bam, WWII.
Marquel Skyped the man. The connection was good from the first word.
“Heil!” Said Bachmann.
Marquel could honestly say he’d never been in such a situation, except in the movies, and Hogan’s Heroes. Marquel didn’t know what to say.
“Heil right back atcha!” Was the best he could manage. “Is this Hitler?”
“Of course not. This is Lutz.” He said.
[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZStaaVuxsgg[/embedyt]
“You sound just like Colonel Klink,” I said.
“Ha ha,” he laughed, “All of us Germans sound like Colonel Klink when we speak English. Do you speak German?” He asked.
“I’m afraid not,” I admitted.
“It could be useful,” he said, “in times of war.”
“You don’t think it’ll get that bad, do you? ” I asked. There was a long pause before he spoke.
“When Americans speak German they all sound like JFK.” He asserted.
“Wait wait,” I said, “ich bin ein berliner.“
“Very good,” he said. “That’s a perfect JFK.”
“Enough chit chat,” I said, “Did you watch Hogan’s Heroes as a boy?” I asked.
“Nein, nein. It was forbidden. I watched some DVD s I found in someone’s house. I loved the show. It was so realistic.” He said.
“It was a comedy.” I said.
“We think of it more as a documentary here,” he said, “especially because it shows Germans and Nazis for what they were, lovable, funny people.”
“You think of Nazis as lovable and funny?” I asked.
“Except when they march. Then they look a bit silly and it’s embarrassing.” He said.
“But how could you think they’re lovable? They were murderers.” I said.
“A few bad apples. All of our grampapas were Nazis, you know, and they are all lovable and funny. And too old to march so they’re only embarrassing when they drool.” He said.
“So is that why you posed as Hitler, because you wanted to appear lovable and funny?” I asked.
“Oh no. I was trying to attract the bad apples.” He said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because they know how to get things done.” He said.
“Like what?” I asked, “what are they good for?”
“Final solutions. Nobody knows final solutions like even normal Nazis. We need a final solution now.” He said
“I suppose you mean the Muslims.” I said.
“Oh no. We are different from our elders. We have studied in our schools what happened. That would be racist. We don’t hate Muslims.” He insisted.
“”Do you hate anyone? Who is the final solution for?” I asked.
“Immigrants.”
“Which immigrants?” I asked.
“All immigrants.” He said.
“You mean the recent wave of immigration?” I asked. “The vast majority are Muslims.”
“But I don’t mean just recent immigrants. I mean all immigrants.” He said.
“Well I’m not sure who that might include. Since when, how far, would you go back?” I asked.
“Forever. Germany is Aryan. Anybody who isn’t, immigrated here.” He said.
“So that would include Jews, Roma, even the French and Polish on your borders.” I suggested.
“And the gays,” he said.
“Wait. Gay people are just gay people. They exist in all ethnic groups. They aren’t necessarily immigrants. Unless it’s a gay Jewish Roma Muslim.”
“Don’t be silly. There are no real Germans who are gay. If they are gay it indicates that somewhere his ancestors were immigrants.” He insisted.
“So no gay Aryans, is that it?” I asked.
“For certain. It’s a dog who meows. You know there’s cat in there somewhere.” He said.
“Tell me,” I said, what qualifies you to speak for your movement?” I asked.
“Well I just resigned. But I was qualified because I’m a professional.” He said.
“A professional Nazi?” I asked.
“No. I’m a burglar. And a darned good one.” He explained.
“Yes. I read that you were arrested for burglary many times. Didn’t sound darn good to me.” I said.
“Bah! For every burglary they caught me for, I committed two hundred they never solved.” He insisted.
“The Times says you were arrested 16 times for burglary alone.” I said. That would make over three thousand homes you’ve broken into.” I said.
“That sounds about right, ” he answered.
“And you think burglary qualifies you to arrive at a final solution?” I asked.
“Well look at the Nazis. They were murderers according to what you just said. I’m just a burglar. I haven’t killed anyone yet.”
“So you’re qualified because you’re not a murderer…yet.” I said.
“I would say so. But it sounds so awful in English. In Germany they think of me as a kind of home decorator. Homes are so different when I leave. It’s kind of an art. You might call me an artist. Like Hitler.” He said.
“I’ll bet you’re all set to treat the Muslims like an artist,” I said.
“Not like Hitler. No killing. I’m an artist” he said.
“What do you plan to do then?” I asked.
“They’ll be put in camps. That’s all.”
“And what about their homes, belongings, possessions?” I asked.
“Well, you have to understand. For a professional burglar, that’s a hard question to answer.” He said.
“I’ll bet,” I said, it’s sort of asking a gravedigger what he might do with a whole lot of bodies.” I suggested.
“Boy you sound like JFK. Ask what you can do for your country, not what it can do for you. That’s my motto.” He said.
“Mine too,” I said.
“I’ll bet Colonel Klink, also,” he said just before the Skype failed.
***
By MARQUEL: Don’t Trust the Amateurs
funny
loved it
subversive
too much fluf
the guy’s an idiot. I feel his pain
boo you’re such a bill