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FIFA – Only the Facts

Ex-FIFA Official Cites Satirical Article From The Onion in His Self-Defense, read Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Keep It Real Section correspondent, and he started to laugh.

When the FIFA official held up the Onion, something smelled fishy to Marquel. That was a made up story. Nothing makes Marquel angrier than made up stories. It violates every precept taught in journalism schools, where Marquel never attended, even for a day. But you can’t say it’s news and then just make it up. Marquel decided to interview the Onion.

“What are you guys doing? Informing the populace or just making up funny stories? We did a funny piece on FIFA but we didn’t have to make up a tournament. What we said, I believe, is that some rich Americans wanted to take over soccer. That was news, not juvenile snot picking.”

“And you guys don’t make up stories” asked the Onion guy.

“Never.  Every word we print is true. We are journalists. I, for instance cover, exclusively, the New York Times.” Marquel asserted.

“That’s horseshit.” He objected.

“You’re wrong. We print what the Times writes about. This time it was you, Mr. Onion guy. What we’re writing Is fact. You made up a soccer tournament that doesn’t exist. We wrote about a rich American who will in the future probably have a tournament. But now you’ve gone and done it. Nobody trusts the Onion any more and, unfortunately, by reflection, you’ve tarnished us as well. You guys should stick to the facts.” Marquel said.

“You’re such a phoney. You only print the facts? Are you going to print this?” He asked.

“Of course. Do you have any objections, Mr Onion guy?” I asked.

“No but this interview isn’t real. I’m not saying any of this.” He said.

I couldn’t help from laughing. “Then who am I talking to? And whose questions are you answering? You see this is real news. Everybody trusts us. But you’ve poisoned the well.” I said.

“But you’re making up this story! It’s not real! It’s you’re imagination.” He insisted.

“That’s where you’re wrong. Everything in the Pothole is factual. You either said all this face to face to me or communicated it to me on another level. But it’s true. You might try it. It’s harder, but in the end, it’s more rewarding. Our readers are the best informed readership in the nation. They’re voting for Sanders, laughing at Hillary, and deeply disappointed in you.”

“Oh don’t be silly. We entertain our readers.” He said.

“Yes but you forgot the first rule of journalism school. Besides paying your tuition. And that’s keep it factual. Your readers should be informed, not laughing at nonsense. The FIFA story is funny enough without making up a non-existent tournament. You guys just want to make a splash. We’re going for the long term. I can’t believe you made up a tournament.” I complained.

“For Christ’s sake, you just made up me. And you, I’ll bet. Who is this Marquel anyway?” He queried.

“That’s me!! What’s your problem?” I asked him.

“You’re fucking make believe!” He exclaimed.

I grabbed him by the arm, when he pulled away, I used his momentum to spin him around in an arm-lock and pressed hard, until I heard the bone break. He fell to the ground like a pre teen, crying,

“hey that’s not fair.”

“I thought it wasn’t real.” I said.

“Not until it hurt me.” He said.

“That’s what I want you to remember. Lies hurt the community. When you do that, you do harm. You can’t expect to get away with that without some pain. Got it?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he said.

“From now on facts. Only facts,” I warned him. I thought it was a fruitful visit.

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By MARQUEL: FIFA – Only the Facts

7 COMMENTS

  1. Did I hear the guy correctly that the US started this bruhaha because he voted for a Russian FIFA president?

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