Home By Marquel How to Know What You Are & What You May Become

How to Know What You Are & What You May Become

How to Attract Female Engineers. Huh? Marquel thought. The Times has become Craig’s List? How to attract the woman, or man, of your choice. Marquel searched for any sign of walk-in bathtubs, but no luck. There wasn’t even an 800 number.


What is the Times up to? This was a start, though. The Times wanted to tell Marquel how he could attract a female engineer. He read with interest. There were ten steps.  It didn’t seem hard. Some were obvious. Pocket protector, of course, advanced graphing calculator right in there. But some were more subtle. For instance, if you know how to use a graphing computer, set up e=mc2. If not, have a friend do it for you and save it in memory.

  1. Openers. Starting a conversation with a female engineer wasn’t your typical bar talk. “Do you think 8% alcohol is molar?” seems a good one. There’s no good answer so you can go right to two.
  2. “What do you think the differential evaporation rate might be between the alcohol and aqueous medium?” When you conclude that the drinks are getting weaker as you talk, you say, “quick! Drink up!” And you go into seconds and thirds. At a certain point she’s more drunk than engineer, but she’s still what she is.
  3. “How far do you live from here?” Is designed to set up a little bet that you can’t lose. Thank you Times! Whether walking or taxi, you offer estimates on how long it will take to get to her place. Whoever gets closer wins and you can’t determine that until you’re at HER PLACE!
  4. Take out your pocket calculator and say you’ve been having trouble finding the limits of Euclid’s Theorem, especially when y is zero. She’ll fumble with it. There is no Euclid’s theorem, so you congratulate her on whatever she does.
  5. “Is it possible the air pressure is lighter in this part of town? I’m feeling a bit dizzy and short of breath.” She’ll tell you about equilabration over large masses and you’ll agree, pointing out, however that upper air level differences routinely cause pressure changes. Ask whether she prefers inches or what of Hg. She’ll call you silly and invite you up till you regain your own equilibrium.
  6. “Do you think you actually spend more energy asleep, tossing and turning, than you would if you just laid down still and awake? How would you capture that in a formula?” Take out one of the eight Bics in your pocket protector, and write an inequality with sleep and wakefulness on each side. While she’s working on it, nuzzle up to her and say you’re much less dizzy close to her.
  7. Be amazed and impressed by her finished inequality. Say you could never have done it. If you know how to use the graphing calculator, use her equation. If not, this is why you have e=mc^2 set up. Display that graph. She’ll see it’s wrong, but if she shouts out, “That’s relativity!” Tell her you’ve been looking all your life for a woman who recognizes relativity when she sees it.
  8. Help her off with her clothes. Mention the tensile strength of the elastic and ask if she think it’s tensile strength or friction that keeps her panties up. No matter what she says, conduct the obvious experiment.
  9. At any point of resistance, point out, “This is all for science.” That’s a killer and a closer. No engineer can resist that.
  10. Whatever you do later,  do not smoke unless she does too.  Unless it was bad and you want to put the kibosh on everything. Instead,  take out your calculator and try to graph your bedroom activities.  The possibilities are endless. This is your job,  not mine.
  11. When it’s all over,  give it a rating.  It’s never a ten.  It should be 9.9 . When she asks the inevitable,

“Why not ten? ” that’s the opportunity to say,

“It’s not you.  It’s me.  You deserve better. “

There’s always room for romance,  even with an engineer.

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By MARQUEL: How to Know What You Are & What You May Become

9 COMMENTS

  1. loved the end #11

    Why not ten? ” that’s the opportunity to say,

    “It’s not you. It’s me. You deserve better. “

  2. Nice, nothing about trains but I liked tensile strength v. friction; the enduring questions.

  3. HEY! I went to read some TVP, I enjoyed all of the nice opening page graphics I looked for a moment and picked a link, thinking I’d get the rest of How to attract female engineers (I love trains!) And then, whoops, I was several sentences in before I realized, I’d been jolted (jilted?) to NYT.com – it was fine, but I was unprepared for the not funniness. I think they blow all their funny stuff out on the front page.

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