Lawyers and Tourists and Potholes Oh, My!

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Pothole Section correspondent, was looking for pennies on the ground when he tripped over a copy of the New York Times and by happenstance read Comptroller Aims to Curb Personal-Injury Claims Against New York City. An initiative modeled after a Police Department program to reduce crime will analyze claims data to identify potential problems across various city agencies.

Marquel wondered what the problem is with identifying problems. Drive up the BQE for five seconds and you’ll pass five problems. They’re called potholes, they’re three feet deep, and they’ve been there since February. Walk in Harlem late at night, be black, and carry a wallet and you’ll be shot 41 times. Easy problem to identify. Marquel went down to the Corporation Counsel‘s office, where all the city attorneys work to defend their fair city against the claims of the crippled, the orphaned, the dispossessed, and the dead. They do a pretty good job of it because many claims are less than a $1000 and it is impossible to get a lawyer to litigate such a small claim. The City meanwhile has hired hundreds of unqualified lawyers to defend these claims meaning that small injuries stand no chance of getting a fair judicial hearing. Most claims against the city, therefore, are won by the city, essentially by default.

The remaining claims are bigger of course, but to hear the city whining about them when they’ve already won the major part by default is somewhat less than convincing. If you’re not convinced take that drive up the BQE to remind yourself about how negligent the city has become with respect to its responsibility to its citizens and visitors.

I asked the Corporation Counsel about that.

He answered, “thank god for the visitors. They go back to their home countries without any compensation and get national health care there. We even help them get on the plane. Someone with a $50,000 claim against the city gets a ride to the airport and we even push the wheelchair for them. They’re such sweeties, and each one is a $50,000 profit. Can you imagine anything sweeter?”

“Well, I said, “maybe filling in the pothole would be sweeter so that next time I go up the Expressway, my lower back pain won’t go another point up the scale of permanent pain.”

“Oh, those potholes will never be fixed, don’t you know that?” he asked.

“They used to be fixed,” I said. “I remember in spring there would be tons of trucks filling in potholes. They would come back the next winter but at least the road was smooth and safe three seasons out of the year.”

“Those days are gone,” he said. “We are using that money to give raises to teachers, policemen, sanitation men, lifeguards.”

“But those people are walking potholes,” I said. “The teachers are producing dummies who will hurt more people during their lives than the British Empire ever did. The policemen will kill and steal from the city more than Genghis Khan did from Kazakhstan. The Sanitation men will crush the fenders of more cars during the winter than the entire NASCAR season does, and the lifeguards will let more people drown than the Titanic ever did.”

“Yes, but most of those claims will never be litigated. The bottom line is the bottom line.”

“The bottom line is the bottom line?” I asked.

“Yes, that’s our motto. It was supposed to be in Latin but nobody in the Corporation Counsel’s office knows Latin. If you know Latin you usually get a good law firm job. So our motto is in English. The bottom line…”

“Yes, I know,” I interrupted. “The bottom line is the bottom line. But what about justice?”

“What’s just about a Danish citizen with free medical care back home getting $50,000 of city money just because a stanchion was missing from a walkway?”

“But you’re forgetting the purpose of tort law,” I said.

“I can’t forget what I never learned. Most of the lawyers in the Corporation Counsel‘s office went to law schools that don’t teach the purpose of the law, just the rules. What do you know about it?” he asked.

“Just common sense,” I said, “but clearly one purpose is to pay the victim. Another purpose is to make society safer. When people know they’ll be sued and have to pay damages, they clean up their act. The city should be filling in the potholes to avoid paying the money to victims and additionally to protect the rest from the same pothole.”

“You’re saying that just cause you are ThePotholeView and have a soft spot for potholes.”

“Not really. It’s just a name,” I said. “I’d just as soon it was ‘the Civil Court Judgment’ .”

“Well, we try to avoid judgments unless they’re in our favor,” he said.

“Okay,” I said, “what about police shooting wildly and killing or maiming innocent people.”

“No such thing as innocent people.” he said.

“Let’s just say that they didn’t do anything that justified being shot or killed.” I said.

“We don’t really know what they may have done. We tell our young lawyers, assume the worst. These are potential killers. Stand up for your clients, the cops.”

“Well, that won’t help the city much,” I said. “Whose going to protect us against errant cops.”

“I always view errant cops as a hazard of living in the city. You live in the suburbs you could get bit by a rabid dog. Live in the city, a cop might shoot you” he said.

“Well I don’t know the numbers of rabid dogs but I’ll give you odds that there are more errant cops than rabid dogs.”

“Not in the suburbs,” he objected.

“Okay, let’s move on,” I said. “You defend the cops no matter what, you assume potholes are decorations. What about medical malpractice in the city hospitals? I understand that’s one of the largest sources of liability.”

“Well, the problem is that very few foreigners come to the city for surgery in the public hospitals. So we don’t get to give them a free ride back to Denmark complete with wheelchair ride. These are mostly public housing residents without a dime to their name.”

“Don’t they deserve protection too?” I asked.

“Actually, they deserve less under the law,” he insisted.

“How can that be?” I asked. “That can’t be. You’re out of your mind.”

“No, I’m afraid not,” he said. “Medical malpractice gives awards for lost opportunities and income. These people have no opportunities, and no income. They generally get nothing.”

“A few of them get millions for pain and suffering.” I said. “A judgment like that should get you to convince the Health and Hospitals Corporation to establish better rules for these doctors. That would protect the rest of us, just as tort law is designed to do.”

“Well, actually, those payments are large, but proportionately small because, as I say, most of the patients have no future. I’d say their pain and suffering is less, too, because they’re so poor, they don’t know they’re missing a European vacation or something.” he said.

“You’ve argued to juries that poor people suffer less pain because they miss less vacations?” I asked.

“They don’t miss any vacations!” he exclaimed. “And yes, juries listen to that. I just love it when they come in with five dollars for pain and suffering”

‘What about when it’s a million.?” I asked.

“That’s a mistake we live with,” he said.

“But your job is to get the doctors to straighten up,” I said.

“No, these doctors are all from Sri Lanka and places like that. First, they can hardly read English. Second, most never went to a real medical school. Third, they haven’t a clue.” he said.

“A clue about what?’ I asked.

“About anything,” he said. “If you want a doctor that has a good medical education, go to Cornell or Columbia Presbyterian. Those are the hospitals for white people.”

“How racist can you get?” I asked.

“How racist do you want me to be? I’m a lawyer. I assume whatever persona will help my client.”

“I hope you fall in a pothole some day.” I said.

“Unlikely,” he said. “I’m the only one with the map.”

“I’ll bet that’s no joke.”

“If it were a joke, I wouldn’t have said it. No, I have the map of potholes in the city The only problem is that the Highway Department doesn’t have it.” he said

“Why the hell not?” I asked.

“Because if they know of a pothole they have to fix it. But if they don’t, it’s a valid defense in court and we pay nothing.” he said

“This is terrible,” I said. “Have we covered everything? Police, potholes, medial malpractice.”

“Motor vehicle accidents,” he said. “A lot of them are police cars, some are ambulances, EMTs, and Fire Trucks. The Sanitation Trucks are a separate category. They can’t seem to go a block without scraping fenders.”

“What about the police?” I asked.

“They don’t know how to drive. They don’t get training in the academy, just how to shoot, and once they have the siren on, they just go. They don’t look, and they don’t turn. It’s a problem.” he said.

“Okay, is that it?” I asked. “Medical malpractice, police misconduct, motor vehicles, potholes. Is that it?’

“Civil Rights. We get a lot of that,” he said.

“Well I can imagine,” I said. “You could start in your own office by assuming that public facilities are for all races.”

“Well, we try to get the various departments to obey the civil rights laws.” he said.

“How?” I asked.

“Posters,” he said. “We have dozens of posters with clever slogans telling the departments to hire women, people of color, the disabled.”

“Does that work?” I asked

“Apparently, because we have a lot of people who are white, male, physically fit, who sue because they haven’t been hired.”

“Well, they have a right to be hired too,” I said.

“Not clearly,” he said. “The way the Corporation Counsel office sees it, most of the civil rights laws favor the unfavored. That doesn’t include physically fit white males. There’s tons of jobs for them. They don’t win many cases.”

“And that’s what matters” I said, a bit crossly.

“Sure. Remember: The bottom line is the bottom line.”

“I remember that. And I believe it.” I said.

“The bottom line is the bottom line?” he asked, a bit surprised.

“Yes,” I said, and added sadly, “and the Corporation Counsel’s Office is definitely the bottom line.”

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BY MARQUEL: Lawyers and Tourists and Potholes Oh, My!