Leave It to Beaver. The Sequel

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Dam correspondent, was lost in thoughts when he read Reversing Course on Beavers. Their dams were once obliterated by dynamite and bulldozers, but beavers are getting new respect these days as a defense against the withering impacts of a warmer and drier climate.

There is no question the beaver is back but the question is, is it due only to deleterious human behavior like global warming or can more benevolent activities take some of the credit. Surely women’s studies have hailed the return of the beaver but are unquestionably partly responsible for their return as well. Enlightened men’s studies is also surely a factor in the return of the beaver.

The Times reports, however, that the biggest factor is simply man’s thirst for sustenance, for life itself. At one time in our history on this continent the country was literally overrun with beavers. People spoke of damned beavers. But today it’s beaver dams that dominate the discussion. Not Hoover Dam, not Egypt’s Aswan Dam, nor even dental dams.

Marquel found the topic socially distasteful but economically central. Could beavers actually save us after eons of misogyny? It looks like much as man has tried to manufacture artificial dams, the only thing that can save us is  the authentic natural beaver and her dam.

Since much of this is happening in the West and California, I decided to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger, one-time governor and lifetime expert on beavers.

“Yes Marquel, how can I help you?” He asked in his Teutonic manner.

“I think that’s a misapprehension. The beaver never left. Without beavers, California would be an arid desert. None of this would exist. Hollywood would die overnight if you took away its beavers. What you’re noticing is an increased awareness of the beaver. The beaver is on our state flag. Did you know? How’s that for cojones. That’s good for all of us, men and women alike. Speaking personally, I couldn’t survive without beavers. They’ve always been a mainstay of my life.”

“Surely, most Europeans are like that. The natural look is, well, more natural. Mother nature intended the beaver to exist in its natural wild state.” He said.

“You bet. You treat them badly, they’ll turn around and bite you. It’s a question of respect, mutual respect. You respect the beaver, the beaver will respect you.”

“I didn’t even know they were gone, so I’m not aware of their return,” said W, snickering. “To tell the truth, we’ve always had beavers in the Bush household,” George HW guffawed and Barbara first blushed, then guffawed even more heartily, saying, “well I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m not really an outdoors person.” The family laughed in unison and refused further comment.

“They should have as much a right as any other couple. It would be unconstitutional to refuse marriage to a beaver couple.” I looked at Barack, but he kept waving me away. “I may be a lame duck but you’re not going to end my term with beaver talk,” was all he said. Then the entire Obama clan laughed, just like the Bush family, but with a lot more secret service agents joining in.

“It’s good,” he said.

“I thought you did,” said an aide.

“No, you’re not,” said the aide.