Home By Marquel A Night at the OR

A Night at the OR

[embedyt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZvugebaT6Q[/embedyt]Marquel, TPV NY Times Accidentally Dead Section correspondent, was checking his pulse, when he read Doctor Present at Joan Rivers’s Procedure Wasn’t Authorized at Clinic.

An ear, nose and throat specialist was said to have been in the operating room last month when the comedian went into cardiac arrest. So was the baker, who was in the neighborhood “just passing by” and stopped in “just to watch an operation.” Marquel found there were many visitors that day.

“How many people were in that operating room altogether?” I asked.

A nurse told me, “Do you mean at any one time, or total over the entire time of the procedure on Ms Rivers?” She asked me.

“Both, I guess.” I answered.

“Well I’d have to read off the log and see when they entered and when they left. There was the baker. He makes awesome croissants.”

“I already knew of him,” I remarked.

“Okay then there was a UPS man. He had several packages and there really wasn’t room but he wanted to see down the endoscope, so he looked and sat down on his packages”

“Did you know him?” I wondered.

“He was our regular guy.” She said.

“Does he do this often?” I questioned.

“Not every day, but fairly often. Anything that’s visible on a screen he likes. But no blood. He’s hemaphobic.”

“Okay the baker and the UPS guy. Anybody else?” I asked.

“Let me see,” she said, reading the log, “oh yes, Leo, I don’t know how to describe him. He’s homeless.”

“Does he come often?” I questioned.

“More in the winter when it gets cold. He’s always complaining that he doesn’t make money in the street when he’s in here getting warm.”

“So he limits his time?” I asked.

“No not at all. He just talks like that and shakes his cup in order to get money from the doctors.” She said.

“During a procedure?” I asked.

“Oh sure, they try to shut him up. But if he gets enough money he usually just stays by the anesthesiologist trying to sniff whatever might be administered.”


“Okay so beside your local bum, who else?” I asked.

  • She looked at the log and said, “Three tourists from Memphis came in. They said they’d never seen an endoscopy before so they took a look at the screen and stayed for most of the procedure telling us about the sights they’d seen and how dirty and rude New York is.”


“Anything else?” I asked.

  • “Then this unusual event happened.” She said.


“Rivers stopped breathing?” I wondered.

  • “Oh no she had stopped just after the Memphis tourists came in. No this little guy in a hat ran into the room and got under the bed. ” She said.


“Rivers bed?” I asked.

  • “Oh yes,” she said. “They were trying to resuscitate her and this little guy runs in and dived under the bed.”


“Then what?” I asked.

  • “Three cops came in. I think that’s when the baker left. A lieutenant, a sergeant, and a beat cop. They looked around the room, into the waste baskets, even took over the CPR so they could look where the doctor was standing. As soon as they did that, the little guy flew out from under the bed and the cops had to wait for somebody to take over the CPR so that they could chase him.”


“There can’t have been too many more after that.” I surmised.

“That’s about when the EMTs arrived along with a fire captain.” She said.

“How many people were in the room then?” I asked.

“Well the two doctors, anesthesiologist, the baker who was just leaving, the bum, the three people from Memphis, the UPS man, the EMTs and fire captain, and the three cops were still using the hand cleanser, and two nurses.”She said.

“That’s seventeen people. That must have been confusing.” I said.

“You’re right. At first the EMTs started giving CPR to Leo, the bum because by then he was out cold from inhaling gases. It took a long time to get everything sorted out.”

“And Rivers never started breathing on her own again?” I asked.

“No but Leo did. Nobody talks about that. It was touch and go.” She said.

“Why did Rivers come here instead of a hospital?” I asked.

“For the same reason as everybody. Her doctor, Cohen, is the owner. He can charge slightly less than a hospital, but gets to keep it all so he makes three or four times as much, and the patients pay about 10% less so everybody’s happy including the insurance companies.” She explained.

“Everybody but Rivers.” I noted.

“That’s true but she’s not really unhappy either. And she was such a riot during her life that she sort of had a surplus of happiness so all in all I’d say it was a success.” She said.

“They say that most comedians are actually quite unhappy and need the audience to maintain their stability.” I offered.


“No kidding?” She responded. “Well I’m sure Leo’s happy.”


“Yeah,” I remarked, “and the baker, the UPS man, the cops, the thief if he got away, the tourists, and the insurance company. Joan would have been proud. She killed them.”


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