Rand Paul Finds His Special Purpose

Marquel read the article with knowing cynicism. He picked up his waterproof smartphone which no longer worked after a light sunshower the day before and shook it. The screen remained as black as the Urban League.Marquel viewed a video of the speech, including the end where the senator was driven from the podium by several dozen green tomatoes thrown by the audience.

Marquel’s eyes were glued to the screen as he watched the senator slowly and progressively put one foot after the other into his mouth, followed by those of the other members on the dias, as well as the text of his speech, both hands, the drumstick, and the watermelon rind. Or so it seemed.

First, the senator addressed crime. Knowing how afflicted his audience was by crime and how many family members certainly had spent time in jail, he started out by saying, “let’s face it crime isn’t so bad.” The crowd booed. He reversed himself, “but it’s the criminals that are the problem.” The booing increased geometrically. Rand immediately reversed again and shouted, “Poverty! It’s poverty!” The booing changed to a low murmur. Rand smiled and repeated himself. Someone shouted, “jobs!” And Rand picked it up.

A few tomatoes came flying. The crowd was crazed at the mention of their favorite name. Rand is no idiot. He changed gear immediately. “Of course we need it. But we can improve it.” The boos again turned to a low murmur. Rand’s eyes glowed with inspiration. “Free!” He exclaimed. “Free Obamacare! Free Obamacare! Free Obamacare!” The crowd joined in the somewhat ambiguous chant. Rand seemed in his element. I was troubled. Was there nothing he wouldn’t say?I was lost in my thoughts and missed a good part of the speech. I was awakened from my reverie by the loud chanting.

Rand was leading the crowd. It was bedlam. “Kill Whitey! Kill Whitey! Kill Whitey!” Suddenly someone in the crowd stood up and pointed at Rand, shouting, “he’s Whitey!” The chant continued.  Then the tomatoes flew to the sustained chant of “Kill Whitey!”

The room was both bedlam and a mess. Paul was covered with green tomato flesh but he was still chanting. The tomatoes we’re still flying. He held his hands over his head in a victory pose and was led off the stage by his aides, all of whom seemed pleased by the evening’s events. Rand and his followers were trading high fives. They were soon out of sight of the camera.

I wondered what Paul would say to his other republican colleagues, and how he would explain it. Or would they all high five each other for a job well done. All I knew was that if the Democrats lose the next election, they’ll really deserve to.

***