Police Say Spy Found in Bag Probably Died by Accident

The London police said that Gareth Williams, a British intelligence analyst whose naked body was found in a sports bag in August 2010, probably locked himself in the bag. Also, John Wilkes Booth was likely innocent, as was similarly Lee Harvey Oswald. A new database and algorithm designed by Google is able to clear up many unsolved cases when they turn out to be accidental.

Both Booth and Oswald were “in the wrong place at the wrong time,” says the Google engineer who led the research. Lincoln almost certainly shot himself, due to the torturously prosaic dialogue of the play he was watching.

“Lincoln was a language maven,” said the engineer. “Without a doubt he just couldn’t take it.” TPV’S eyebrows went up a notch.

But Google had an answer, “The software clearly indicates an accident. The most likely scenario is that Lincoln only meant to graze himself, you know, a flesh wound, just to get out of the theatre. But he was a notoriously bad shot. Especially when sitting.”

And Kennedy? According to the software, he was unlucky when his car, and only his car, “collided with some airborne lead.” What about Jack Ruby, though, whose televised shooting of Oswald shocked the nation?

Google’s engineer claims, “It never happened. You can throw that film away. It just never happened. You want to believe in fairy tales and celluloid images or factual computer software results?”

But the film can be seen on the internet, TPV reminded the engineer. He answered with one word.

Bogus.

We decided to switch gears from politics to innocent bystanders. What about Amadou Diallo, the unarmed black man struck by 81 police bullets. The Google engineered did some typing and consulting, turned back to us and said,

Nope, no accident there.

For the sadder version, go to http://nyti.ms/1e3Vlnb.