Marquel, TPVs NYTimes City Tails Section correspondent, was buying a yacht on eBay, when he stopped for a moment to read 8 Million Rats for 8 Million New Yorkers? Data Suggest a City Legend Is Flawed. In a newly published paper, a Columbia University doctoral student argues that the city has far fewer rats than had been thought. About six million fewer.
Where did they go? The Times, once again, failed to ask the obvious question or, better yet, send out an investigative team to discover where six million rats went and what they’re doing. Marquel went over to Columbia to ask the journalism school whether this was proper journalism. He had an appointment at two, but spent a half an hour playing Ghostbusters at the library, being careful not to cross the streams.
But he was only half an hour late, something that seemed normal to the journalism school.
“So how can we help you?” Asked the director.
“The missing rats,” I answered. “The Times wrote the story as if they just took a train to Philadelphia.”
“It’s not that easy to hide six million rats.” He said. “First I’d look at the obvious places.”
“Which are?” I asked.
“The banks, brokerage houses, Department of Education, and of course the police force. They’re always looking for more rats to hire but six million is easily beyond their collective budgets. Most of them, except for the DOE, are shedding rats.” He explained
“So if I can’t find them at Police Plaza or the DOE headquarters, what’s next?”
“I hate to say it, but they may be dead.” He warned.
“Six million rats? That’s literally the same number as the Shoa. Do you think something political and unimaginably repugnant might be involved?” I asked.
“There’s still the issue of the bodies. We would have noticed. Unless…” He said.
“Unless what?” I asked.
“Unless they were eaten.” He said.
“Eaten? Who could eat six million rats?” I asked.
“Not one person. Patrons. Restaurant patrons. It will take shoe leather to solve this mystery. But with six million rats, it shouldn’t be too hard to find.” He suggested. “Tell me. Is there a new cuisine in town? Or a new popular dish that everybody’s buying?”
“I don’t know. Let me think,” I said, hand to my forehead. I thought. Hard. I called Mufi. “Mufi. What’s the hottest meat dish this year?”
“Hottest, spiciest, or hottest, trendiest?” He asked.
“Trendiest,” I answered.
“That would have to be Khao soi. It’s an obscure Burmese-influenced soup from northern Thailand. It’s suddenly selling all over.”
“What’s in it?” I asked.
“The traditional dish is egg noodles and stewed chicken legs in turmeric-tinted curry, coconut milk and chicken stock. It’s topped with fried noodles and things like fermented mustard greens and a lime wedge. But the trendy thing is to do something with the chicken legs to give it more tang.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Nobody really knows. Trade secret.” He told me but I knew he knew better.
I googled the dish and found a dozen restaurants featuring it.
I dropped by most of them, late at night, and looked through their garbage. No rat carcasses. I was stumped.
I called Mufi and asked for help. He gave me good advice. I had been stupid to search for rat bodies. If my suspicions were right, those bodies had been eaten. Trendy people eating trendy dishes want it all. I’d find nothing.
I went back to the restaurants one more time. I used Mufi’s advice. Sure enough, I found the evidence. Once I realized they’d mix it with noodles it was easy.
Rat tails! The only part they couldn’t serve without discovery! Dozens, hundreds of rat tails. At that rate, they could have used six million rats in about a year or so.
Mufi warned me about publishing all this. People had already eaten the rats. What good would it do to tell them now, having enjoyed a new trendy dish countless times and sending their friends to partake.
“Plus,” Mufi added, “there’s a much more common use for rat which could easily account for at least half those missing rats.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Vegan. Rats make good meat substitutes because diners don’t recognize the flavor. Tell them it’s mock beef made from eggplant, they’re good to go.”
I thanked him for his expertise but I wasn’t going to go sifting through vegan garbage bags. They probably include the tails anyway.
***
BY MARQUEL: Rat-a-story
Oh, Marquel, I’m suddenly nostalgic.
“but spent a half an hour playing Ghostbusters at the library, being careful not to cross the streams.”
Loved it. So, here are the rats:
“The banks, brokerage houses, Department of Education, and of course the police force. They’re always looking for more rats to hire but six million is easily beyond their collective budgets. Most of them, except for the DOE, are shedding rats.”
Oh, evil you, to say that “Rats make good meat substitutes because diners don’t recognize the flavor. Tell them it’s mock beef made from eggplant, they’re good to go.”
perfect pitch
ditto
ditto2
we ate the rats…well done Machiavelli!
funny funny funny. bravo!