Can you imagine the bad news, Marquel thought chewing fast some mashed potatoes, Dave Goldberg, Silicon Valley Executive, Said to Have Died After Exercising. That required investigation decided Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Don’t Move Section correspondent. Goldberg, the head of Survey Monkey, was only the latest in a series of deaths attributed to exrcising.
The CDC has warned everyone against this practice. “It can only lead to unintended consequences. We are conducting meta analyses of past data and trials. It has always been simply assumed that exercise is some how magically beneficial. But there is no magic in medicine and the data is troubling.” Said the CDC.
“But…But…But,” said Marquel, “This is crazy. Exercising has to be good for us everybody knows it!”
“Everyone knew leaches were good for us too.” He said.
“So let me get this straight. Exercise is unquestionably bad for us. If we do it, we’ll be sorry because…”
“You’ll die.” He said.
“If I exercise I’ll die.” Said Marquel.
“Yes. It will do nothing but strengthen your muscles. But the data suggests that your heart can’t support those muscles. The heart strains and suffers. And then you die.” Said the CDC man.
“But how can that be? What if you’re fat? Shouldn’t you take it off?” I asked.
“Of course. Stop eating. But don’t exercise. Lie down. Rest. Watch TV. Have an imaginary discussion with an imaginary friend. You’ll lose weight, be healthier, and avoid a heart attack.” He said.
“But we have all these muscles. We look good with a six pack. And healthy.” I protested.
“Not to a trained medical professional. We see that and we see a heart attack in the making. People were never meant to exercise. Animals exercise. They run around and bite each other. But we advanced. We developed large frontal lobes. We can reason and think. We’re smart enough to trap those animals and grow crops. We don’t run around. We rest.” He said.
“But to be in shape…” I said.
“You are in shape. Muscles are like the appendix. They are extra organs. Left over from an earlier evolutionary cycle.” He said.
“Muscles are vestigial organs?” I asked.
Yes. Look at the human body. It is made for lying down. It is perfect for lying down. Other animals have to fold their limbs in our out, or basically remain sitting or even hanging upside down. The human body is the only one to be spread out completely Horizontally from toe tips to fingertips. That’s how you should spend most of your day, evolutionarily speaking.” He said.
“What do you plan to do institutionally? I know you segregate Ebola victims. What about exercisers?” I asked.
“There are various degrees. Those that stop are healthy and were simply misinformed. Those that cannot stop are exhibiting suicidal tendencies and may require state intervention just as suicide is normally treated.” He said.
“Do you think it’s communicable?” I asked.
“There’s good evidence but we want to wait until the meta analysis.” He answered.
“What about all the sports clubs and gyms? They’ll take a terrible hit.”
“I think they’ll have to be shuttered. But they could become even more profitable as rest clubs.”
“More profitable? How is that possible?” I asked.
“All they need are plump couches and TV’s. No machinery, no trainers. They’ll save money on all that plus no showers. Big savings there. Plus the beer.” He said.
“They’ll sell beer?” I asked.
“What could be more relaxing than sitting in a couch, remote in one hand, brewski in the other. Our mortality rate will shoot up.” He said. “They can also sell T shirts that will advertise their place on one side and say ‘Exercise Survivor’ on the other side.”
“What about the trainers. What will happen to them?” I asked.
“Telemarketing. They should be good at that. They’ll find plenty of good jobs as prison guards and those who like to travel could work for the NSA in classified positions. Or they could join the American Psychological Association and get jobs in Guantanamo. They’ll do fine,” he said.
“What about the companies that make the machinery?” I asked.
“We have no authority yet to stop their sale but they will all be labeled, ‘DO NOT USE.’ ” he said.
“And you’re serious about all this?” I asked.
“Oh yes. We’ve talked to Barak and they’re closing the White House gym. He said he’ll be happy if he never has to play b ball again. The golf we’re studying. Very little exercise there. We just think they should do it with a beer in one hand. It’ll be good for the Sanders campaign. It’s hard to visualize him exercising much. Hillary too.” He said.
“Except for her mouth.” I said.
“We’re studying that, too.”
***
By MARQUEL: Getting Exercised
Marvelous
loved it
This is memorable
Fuquel at its best
Man, this is the shit that makes me love you
This is better. You must agree:
the entire article is filled with memorable quotes. Welcome to Marquel’s fanclub