Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Chop Suey Section correspondent, was riding a rickshaw in Beijing, when he stopped to read China’s Global Ambitions, With Loans and Strings Attached. The Times reported that China is virtually invading America & our own political backyard by making arrangements with all our historical allies. Ecuador, Philippines, Yemen, Syria, Sierra Leone, Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, Venezuela, Serbia, and Uzbekistan are among the dozens of countries China has taken into its fold through various loans, gifts, and infrastructure projects.
Marquel was unsurprised. We’ve been doing that for decades. But the fact that the government and politicians treat it as if it were a problem with a solution showed, once again, how self-involved we are. Marquel decided to call some of the presidential candidates to learn their take on this story.
Jeb Bush issued a simple statement. “Chinese imperialism is driven by our debt. To avoid it, we should cancel social security.”
Marco Rubio said simply, “they’re different from us.”
Chris Christie said, “no comment. I had nothing to do with it. I’m questioning my aides at the present time.”
Hillary Clinton offered to appear in a debate against Bill Clinton, where she would “address the aggressive tactics of the Chinese, remembering that free trade encourages this, but also mandates full protection of human rights, our sacred environment, and the right to privacy when it comes to Cuban cigars.”
Bernie Sanders spent a half hour discussing the economic and cultural effects of what he called, “China’s emergence into international finance,” and made so much sense it’s not worth mentioning here. Except that we should all vote for him, of course.
The Donald was willing to say “anything you want me to” on the subject, so we asked for his views.
“It’s clear they’ve been planning this for decades, if not centuries,” said the Donald. “Have you noticed that in every city, village, burg, small town, and whistle stop, you’re sure to find the same thing?” He questioned.
“I’m not sure. What do you mean?” Asked Marquel.
“What do you think they all have?” He asked.
Marquel took a guess. “Hemorrhoids? It’s pretty universal.”
“That may be, but it’s incorrect. The answer is Chinese restaurants. No matter how small the place, no matter if there’s no other restaurant within miles, you’ll find a Chinese restaurant. And unlike all other ethnic eateries, what do you think you’ll find there?” Asked the Donald.
“I haven’t a clue. Chop Suey?” Answered Marquel.
“Completely wrong and tellingly so!” He said, destroying Marquel’s stereotype of him as a man without a vocabulary. “Because chop suey is not really Chinese. But all these Chinese restaurants are run by real Chinese! It’s an internal threat and they’ve done it, as I say, in every single city and hamlet. They’ve already won. Almost. When I’m elected president, we’ll change all that.”
“But what would you do?” I asked, “they’re just Chinese restaurants. People love them.” I said.
“That’s their plan. But they’re all immigrants and they’ve infiltrated us in plain sight. Think about it. That’s how dangerous they are. Without anybody noticing anything, they’re all over. It’s got to be stopped.” He said.
“You can’t stop free enterprise. Most of them are American citizens just running a business.” I said.
“Oh they all say that.” He said.
“Who?” I asked.
“Spies. Read the Times, you idiot.” He said.
“I did. They didn’t even mention Chinese restaurants.” I said.
“Exactly. They’ve succeeded and the Times says not a word. All these businesses must be de-aggregated. Every last one. They’ll have to be folded into an American enterprise we all trust. The Trump Organization could do it with the right federal financing and we’d be safe again.” He said.
“Why do all your suggestions and campaign projects involve you making more money?” I asked.
“That’s what I do. The people know it and like it. That’s why I’m on top.” He said.
I almost believed him so I said good bye. There’s something hypnotic about the man.
***
By MARQUEL: The Donald Quacks
I’m cracking up
You got this idiot too, M.
This Donald can only quack
Pure fuquel!
loved it
what can I say? I cannot type. I am still laughing.
Gosh, so crazy and so true. Pure Marquel.