Marquel TPVs NYTimes Black Competition Section correspondent was staying fit, when he read Pothole raided as a suspect. Charlie Hebdo Office Hit in Terror Attack; 12 Dead.
A number of prominent editors and cartoonists at the satirical newspaper, which was firebombed in 2011, and two police officers were among those killed. This time Marquel wished the article had never appeared. At two in the morning, the TPV offices in Manhattan were raided by 993 federal and state police officers, one from each anti terrorism agency in the jurisdiction. They handcuffed Marquel and handed him down the line, where he responded to 993 questions, at the end of which he confessed to everything.
The police claimed that the attack on Charlie Hebdo was planned and orchestrated by Marquel in an attempt to “kill the opposition.” Marquel denied everything to 673 officers but his resistance was whittled down by the remaining three hundred or so investigators.
“Yes yes,” Marquel confessed, “I planned it all. First was Charlie Hebdo, then Le Canard Enchaîné, Le Monde, and Le Figaro, all of the satire papers that carry so called fake news. Then the Times was to be attacked, along with the Post and the Daily News and Mad and Cracked magazines, all of whom similarly carry fake news. After wiping out the opposition, circulation here at TPV would explode and I could retire and have some unemployed Democrats write my column. I’m so tired.”
“So who actually carried out the attacks, you inhuman terrorist,” asked the 993rd investigator.
“How should I know? I haven’t a clue.” Said Marquel.
“Well who were you working with?” He asked.
“No one.” I said.
“No one? There were three assailants in Paris last night.” He said.
“I have no idea. I just planned it.” I protested.
“You’re just as guilty if you had others do it, you numbskull.” He said.
“Thank you. I didn’t have anybody else do it for me.” I said.
“What’s the thank you for?” He asked.
“You called me numbskull in a very affectionate way. You must be a nice man despite being a brute.” I answered.
“So you contend you did this all by yourself.” He said.
“I didn’t do anything.” I said.
“You’re retracting everything you said to the last 300 agents?” He asked.
“Not a word of it. It’s all true.” I said.
He was turning red. Three hundred other agents were facing me with equally red faces, as they filed past me to show their anger. Maybe they were the bad cops and the others were the good cops.
“It can’t be true and not true,” said one genius.
“I don’t know about that. I gave up after Heidegger and Wittgenstein.” I said
Are those the two others?” He asked.
“No they’re philosophers. They’ve been dead for decades.” I said.
“Okay let’s get this straight,” he continued. “You planned all these attacks and planned further attacks.”
“That’s true.” I said.
“But you didn’t do it yourself?” He said.
“I did nothing.” I said.
“And you insist you didn’t have others do it for you. With whom did you discuss your plans?” He asked.
“With no one. I never told anybody about it. It was just part of my anti competition policy.” I said.
“Hold on. Did you write it down?” He asked.
“No, I don’t believe so. Why would I write it down? I know what I planned.” I answered.
“So you made these plans, thought about attacking all these businesses, didn’t write it down, and didn’t tell anyone.” He inquired.
“Exactly.” I said.
All 993 filed by me once more and gave me dirty looks. They left the office and I was still in handcuffs. I screamed and an hour and a half later one of their keys fit. It had been quite an evening. But it wasn’t over. Two burly dark skinned men entered, yelling “Allah Achbar!”
“How can I help you?” I asked.
“You have published pictures of the prophet Mohammed.” One said, making it sound half accusation and half question.
“Yes. I mocked Mohammed with ill concealed satires.” I said.
“Let us see,” they said.
I showed them.
“These are not Mohammed. They are naked girls.” They said.
“Well yes, that’s the satire.” I said.
“A naked woman is not Mohammed.” They said.
“But it’s intended to be Mohammed. Isn’t that enough?” I asked, not wanting to be thought less than Charlie Hebdo, and wanting solidarity.
“No, I’m sorry,” the first said. “A picture of Mohammed, to be satirical, must have enough physical resemblance to Mohammed to conjure up the real Mohammed. We will shoot you if you did that.” He said.
“Well isn’t it the thought that counts? Couldn’t you shoot me in the arm, maybe a flesh wound? I am not very visual. Our photo editor is the really talented one, but this is definitely a satire of Mohammed.” I said.
“As a satirist you stink. This insults nobody except you. There is no resemblance to Mohammed.” He said.
“But it’s a naked woman. Isn’t it insulting to publish a picture of Mohammed as a naked woman?” I asked.
“Yes, if it is a picture of Mohammed or conjured up his picture.”
“Well that naked women conjured up Mohammed for me, and it presents him as a naked woman. How much more insulting could I be?” I asked.
“We have already established that you suck as a satirist so anything you conjure up sucks equally. We can’t waste our time on unsuccessful satires.” He said.
“So you bomb Charlie Hebdo but I don’t rate? ThePotholeView is a very important American satire magazine and we satirize Muslims all the time.” I insisted.
“Send us a copy.” He said.
“It’s on the web,” I said.
“We can’t use the web.” He said.
“Why not?” Asked I.
“Too easy to track us.” He said.
“How did you find me if I’m such a bad satirist?” I asked.
“We heard you were being raided.” He said.
“Yeah for what you did in Paris. They wouldn’t arrest me for planning it.” I said.
“But you didn’t plan it.” He asserted.
“No but I thought about it.” I said.
“You also think about Mohammed when you see a naked woman.” He said.
“It’s better than thinking of trout fishing,” I argued.
“You probably stink at that too. We’re going to go now. Stick to naked women. Otherwise we’ll bomb you.” He said.
“You can’t do that,” I said.
“Why not?” They both asked.
“Mohammed will protect me.” I said, as they left the building.
I guess I was pretty lucky. Maybe Mohammed is protecting me. May he always do so.
***
MARQUEL Bin Charlie
Bravo!
Well done!
Excellent
Love you man
Je suis Charlie
I am Charlie
Ich bin Charlie