Ave Sharia

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Rape and Punishment Section correspondent, was opening a can of soda when he read Iran Hangs Woman for Killing Alleged Rapist. Iran hanged a woman on Saturday who was convicted of murdering a man she said was trying to rape her, the official IRNA news agency reported. Marquel thought this a bit unusual but when he called the Iranian Mission to the U.N., he was told there was no news there.

 “We do that all the time,” said the diplomat. “You cannot defend yourself against a crime that hasn’t occurred.”

“All the time?” I asked.

 “Yes. Well, at last with women,” he explained.

“What’s the basis for that,” asked Marquel, “I mean, what’s the reasoning?”

 “Mohammed said, ‘That which is undone, is undone’ ” said the diplomat.

“He was a smart man.” I said. “But what about the rapist?”

 “He will be punished, too,” he said.

“But he’s already dead.” I said.

 “We will behead him anyway.” Said the diplomat. “We always do that.”

“Why not his penis?” I asked, “wouldn’t that be more poetic, or just?”

 “No. We don’t touch that. It is a holy object in Islam.” He said. “The same as in Judaism. It is the Jews’ most holy object. Ours, too.”

“The penis is the most holy object in Judaism?” I asked, “I’ve never heard that. I thought it was the Torah.”

 “No, no. From the day a Jewish baby is born, everybody gathers to worship it. And they continue to do so for his whole life. The same with Muslims. Although we like a simple beheading now and then.” He asserted.

“Let’s get back to this woman who was just hung. Isn’t that cruel? She was about to be raped.” I said.

 “Yes but she wasn’t. Had she been, she would have had a right to kill him then.” He said.

“Let me get this straight,” I said, “if you’re about to be raped you have to wait until you are before defending yourself?”

 “That would be the thing to do. It is not limited to rape. Any crime, even simple shoplifting, you cannot kill the perpetrator until he has committed the crime.” He said.

“Can you kill a shoplifter?” I asked.

 “Of course. Any criminal can be killed.” He asserted.

“But only after he shoplifts.” I noted.

 “Mohammed said, ‘What is undone is undone,’ ” he said.

“You told me that already.” I said.

 “Yes, well he said it several times.” He explained.

“Don’t you think there’s something wrong with requiring a woman to be raped before she can resist?” I asked.

 “She can resist but not kill.” He said.

“I see. And if her resistance causes him to be more determined?” I asked.

 “Then what is undone will soon be done and she can then kill him. It seems fair, doesn’t it?” He asked.

“You’re still requiring her to be raped. That’s inhuman.”

 “We didn’t say it is human. We aspire to something higher. Sharia.” He asserted.

“Honestly it seems lower, not higher.” I added.

 “Remember when Mohammed ascended to heaven, he was on a donkey. Backwards. We have a different perspective. Things may not seem fair to you that might seem very fair if you were facing backwards on the back of an ass.” He said.

 “Tell me, was he Jewish?” I asked.

“No. Just an ordinary donkey. Well, maybe. I don’t know. Can a donkey be Jewish?” He asked.

“I mean Mohammed. Jesus was Jewish. Mohammed believed in Abraham and Moses. Sounds Jewish to me.” I noted.

 “I don’t think so. We are to kill the Jews. So that makes no sense.” He said.

“Maybe it’s like the woman who was hanged. Maybe you can’t kill Jews until they kill you. Remember, What is undone is undone.” I said.

 “Very good. You are thinking like a good Muslim now. Except for killing the Jews. That comes first.” He said.

“Even if they don’t rape you? Remember what is undone is undone.”

 “You already said that.” He added.

“So did Mohammed. Several times.”

 “That’s true. You are an excellent student. But Jews can be killed before they kill you.”

“Because of their holy penises.” I suggested.

 “No. Ours are holy also.” He said.

“So not everything in Sharia makes sense.” I said.

 “That is not true. It all makes sense to Mohammed.” He insisted.

“Well I hope he’s happy. He’s Jewish, you know.” I tried needling him.

 “Almost. Good student. He’s happy because he’s not Jewish.”

“I’ll bet he is,” I finished. I heard him breathing into the phone for a long time, sounding troubled or confused, before I finally hung up.

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BY MARQUEL: Perspectives