Dinesh D’Souza Is Charged with Using Straw Donors, straw arguments, straw men, and generally straws

The Times has divulged only a partial indictment, Marquel reveals. The indictment was not limited to campaign law violations, which came first but which were filled by over twenty other hitherto unknown federal crimes. Mr D’Souza was charged with arrogance in the first degree, which is punishable by either life imprisonment or national disgrace, whichever comes first. 

After that were several charges, the central one being living in a glass house (again in the first degree), along with a misdemeanor charge of criticizing an immigrant while being an immigrant.  The language of the statute, 99 U.S.C. §3(a), says it “applies to one who is an immigrant or reasonably appears to be.”

The penalty is ten years, or in the alternative, “until at least one of the accused’s children marries an immigrant or a person of the same sex, whichever occurs first.”

Again, the 15th charge is simply “being an immigrant” which similarly applies to anyone who even appears to be one. This charge has never been used before because it was just enacted, as a rider to the recent budget bill, at the behest of the Tea Party. According to the statutory history, “if you look like an immigrant, especially a Kenyan, then you are one.” Fortunately, the Supreme Court has been very skeptical of statutory history, Justice Scalia famously opining that “Statutory history is bullshit.”

The sixteenth charge is mysterious, simply charging D’Souza with committing “interstate commerce in interstate commerce.” Not much is known about that law since it was passed just before Lincoln was shot and only used against John Wilkes Booth until now. Interestingly, it has no specific penalty. The prosecutor stated, “it’s a common law penalty.” Marquel doesn’t understand.

Skipping through the indictment, the penultimate charge is a felony, disliking Afro Americans while denying it. This is a serious offense punishable by death. There is an affirmative defense (meaning D’Souza has the burden of proof), “if the defendant publicly admits to his prejudice and asks forgiveness which is accepted by a majority of the disfavored demographic group” It is thought that if Al Sharpton were to accept the apology, D’Souza would escape death.

Finally the last charge is pretending to understand this country enough to make a movie about it without having a clue. (D’Souza’s movie, titled America, tells D’Souza’s hope that America never existed). This too is a common law crime. Marquel investigated further and learned that this can be anything the prosecutor makes up that seems bad.

According to his lawyers, D’Souza’s entire defense and his only misdeed was “misguided friendship.” (Honest!!) Legally speaking, and that’s what we’re doing here, this defense is the equivalent of “Johnny made me do it.”

If you think that Mr. D’Souza was born this way, you’re right. Nothing happened to him on his way to the bank and here is the proof that he has always talked nonsense with aplomb.