We Don’t Have a Dog in This Fight

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes enemies section correspondent, was refusing to take the garbage outside, when he noticed this amazing piece of Joycean literature:  U.S. Is Exploring Talks With Iran on Crisis in Iraq. The United States sees potential meetings with Iran as an opportunity to discuss the threat posed by the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, the Sunni extremist group.

Marquel was sure that after the energy the US spent in the last few years demonizing Iran, there is no way an alliance would be palatable to Americans. But Marquel could be wrong because Americans have short memories, on the order of microseconds, no education to speak of, making rational decisions of foreign policy almost impossible, and so obese they’re unwilling to spend their time arguing rather than eating the ironically named Smart Food.

And what of the Iranians? They’ve spent equal time denouncing the Great Satan. How could they ally themselves with the Great  Satan to kill fellow Arabs even if they are Sunnis and even if, I’m constantly reminded, Iranians are not Arabs so these are not fellow Arabs. But they are fellow Muslims….

So what’s going on here, the enemy of my enemy is my friend realpolitik writ large? Marquel didn’t believe there was enough margin there between our stoked up hate filled peoples to give even realpolitik any kind of traction.

So I went to my local mosque in the upper east side and spoke to one of the imams.

“You do know who the Great Satan is, don’t you?” I asked.

“Certainly,” he answered, pointing his index finger at me, “You!”

“And you know that American police are always wiretapping you, stopping and frisking and killing you, and laughing at you behind your backs.”

“Sure,” he answered, “It’s not for nothing we call you the Great Satan.”

“So how could we be allies?” I wondered.

“We can be allies to end apostasy.” He said

“You mean we could support Shiites over Sunnis? Like sort of a Crusade?”

He smiled. “Like a jihad. The US could be in the forefront of a jihad against apostasy.”

“But that would permanently alienate the Sunnis and probably even the Kurds, even though they have no dog in this fight.” I said.

“You must learn Muslim ways as our ally. To call someone a dog or to refer to dogs when characterizing them is highly insulting “

“I see,” I said, “but we are not Muslims. How can we join a jihad?”

“You will be Muslims when you join the jihad. It is God’s will.”

“Gee,” I said somewhat wistfully. “I don’t think many Americans would be fond of being Muslims. Maybe it would be better if you all became Americans.

“I don’t think many Muslims could pull that off,” he said, sounding suddenly very American.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Well, we don’t talk that loud, we are not very fat, and we hit our kids.” He said.

“Well you’ll have to cut that out,” I said, “if you want us to join your jihad. And no oppressing women.”

“But what you call oppression,” he insisted, “we see as Allah’s command.”

“Well,” I said, “when Iraq is completely overthrown by ISIS, along with Syria, maybe you’ll see that Allah’s command isn’t so unambiguous as you might think.”

“Perhaps there is some way we could have a special ruling from the chief Imam in Teheran.” He said. “But there will be no ruling on the Zionists. They must go.”

“You mean,” I said, “Jews?”

“Of course. No Jews in a jihad. A jihad would be no fun with Jews.”

“I don’t think we can do that,” I said. “There are many Jews in our armed forces.”

“Yes,” he said, “that is what makes you the Great Satan.”

I stood up at that point. “Sorry imam, but we don’t work like that. The Jews stay.”

He stood up too. “The Great Satan cannot join jihad with Jews.”

I’d had enough of that. “Look imam, we’re not The Great anything let alone Satan, and we’re Jews and Christians and atheists and even Muslims. So don’t call us Satan. You’re the one who wants us to help you commit genocide.”

We bumped chests. He was fuming. We had a tussle. “Take your jihad and stuff it,” I said. “I’ve got a Chihuahua who could outfight you.”

At the mention of a dog he threw a punch. So did I, supported by the thought I was defending Jews, women, children, and the American way.

I left the mosque. Who won? Let’s just say those dresses they wear are not conducive to fighting well. I don’t think they’d make good allies. They don’t make good enemies either. I’d say jihad is not for us. Neither is an alliance with Iran. Perhaps we should agree we really don’t have a dog in this race and let them work it out themselves no matter how brutally. And we might work out a few things ourselves, like ever believing somebody can be your ally because his enemy is your enemy.

***

BY MARQUEL: