The One in Which Croshondola Was Finally Paid the Per Diem
Warehouse 29
Halliburton Plot
Square 0, Xiangxiang
Peoples’ Republic of China (via 4chan):
Croshondola was found ass-up and head-deep into a pile of Jindling Sticks, hung-over from #Percocets and tequila-lime spritzers from the night before. She had let the workers go home early after a furious night of meeting export quotas assembling the newly popular #Jindling Stick. #Jindling Sticks were selling like Crispies, and Croshondola was making a fortune.
If only.
Actually, Croshondola had squandered all of her Erection 2016 Tchotchkes Co. investment “seed” money on the Chinese warehouse, and had no money left over to actually finance the production of #Jindling Sticks. In fact, as of this writing, Croshondola had just spent the last of the “seed” money on Just for Men, because Croshondola’s pubic hairs were going gray from the stress of running a small, home-grown multi-national plastics conglomerate.
As much as Croshondola loved getting seeded, the seed was drying, and how. So, cash-strapped and faced with the gruesome #Sophie’s choice of becoming a Chinese “love doll” for pay, or returning to her post at The Manhole View to earn a shitty per diem writing for a bunch of #neo-socialist wankers, she chose the latter!
“Where to start?” Croshondola thought.
There was so much that had happened since her last post. There was, for example, the conspiracy to remove Cris Crispy from the debates. While the news companies said publicly it was because his polling numbers dipped below the required threshold for such highly coveted TV time, Croshondola knew better from her sources on the inside, who said, actually, it cost the newsies too much money to create a steel-cement-reinforced debate stage to prevent Crispy’s weight from collapsing the stage into a never-ending vortex straight to Hell, in which all the Republican presidential candidates would never be seen again.
In other words, Crispy is fat.
Also, Bobby Jindal is the new Mike Schmuckabee. At first Mikey-Mike had a corner on the Christian market, but then Kim Davis cast a demonic succubus spell on him. Mike Schmuckabee is now inhabited by Kim Davis’s soul, who has no political experience to speak of (retail or otherwise), and is thus causing the Schmuckabee campaign to implode, leaving a void for chubby buck-toothed hicks in the Republican Idol 2016 contest. Conversely, the amorphous nightgown known as Kim Davis is now controlled by the soul of Mike Schmuckabee, who happens to enjoy life as a woman, and which explains why he hasn’t made a fuss about being trapped inside the Rowan County Clerk’s vessel.
Who said true sex changes aren’t possible? Take that, Marquel.
Anyhow, Bobby is the new sweetheart of the Christian right, but all anyone can think about is what he looks like in a diaper. Oh wait, no, that’s David Vitter. Anyhow, this pundit predicts a Jindal/Davis super-ticket come November!
That’s all for now, until the per diem is wired, which may take time due to issues with the great Chinese fire-wall, and Croshondola’s extensive debt patronage owed to the People’s Party.
Regards,
Crosh
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By Croshandala: Greetings from Xiangxiang
