Home By Marquel Naked Gun 7&1/2

Naked Gun 7&1/2

Bans on Assault Weapons in New York and Connecticut Are Upheld, read Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Weapons of Mass Destruction Right On Your Hip Section correspondent.

A unanimous panel of the United States Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit found that the legislation had been directed at preventing mass shootings like that in Newtown, Conn., in 2012. But what was surprising were the exact terms of the law and the parts the court found permissible and impermissible.

The law originally contained a ban on magazines larger than 7 cartridges. There are no seven cartridge magazines. But there are ten cartridge magazines. So the law was rewritten to allow ten cartridge magazines as long as they only carry 7 rounds. Marquel thought this unrealistic. The law, aimed specifically at mass shooters, contemplated a shooter traveling to his closest school, bringing his assault rifles but, conscious of the law’s mandate, filling his ten or twenty magazines only with seven rounds apiece. Because mass shooters, except for that particular moral weakness, are essentially good law abiding citizens. That’s why they’re allowed to have these guns in the first place.

Marquel called governor Cuomo’s office. The governor was a major supporter of this legislation. “What’s the deal with these half filled magazines?” Asked Marquel.

The governor’s press rep said, “seven bullets per magazine seemed reasonable.”

“But what if they put three more in?” Asked Marquel.

“Then they get arrested. ” he said.

“Is that before or after the mass murders?” Asked Marquel.

“Hopefully before. The NRA says the only way of stopping a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun.” He said.

“What if the bad guy had more bullets?” Asked Marquel.

“Exactly! That’s why it was in the law. Our statute made sure the bad guy would have only 7, see?” He said. “Too bad they reversed that part of the law.”

I thought the logic was lacking there so I called Tom King, of the New York gun owners association, the main opponents if the law.

Both states’ laws banned assault weapons that contained any one of a list of military-style features, including a telescoping stock, a flash suppressor or a grenade launcher. So I asked Mr King why a telescoping stock was something ordinary gun owners needed. “Isn’t it really just integral to the assault features of these guns?” I asked.

“Not at all. A telescoping stock is nice to have. You could carry your gun in a small paper bag and then, boom, take it out, pull out the stock and you’ve got the most lethal long gun in the world.” He said.

“But why would you carry an assault gun in a paper bag?” I asked him.

“It’s the element of surprise. Who would expect it?”

“But who are you going to surprise?” I asked.

“The bad guys!” He exclaimed. “Don’t you know all it takes to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun?”

“That’s not quite true, according to what you said. It takes a good guy with a gun in a paper bag.” I said.

“That’s true. Pardon me.” He said.

“And while you’re unwrapping this paper bag, making all sorts of crinkling noises, and then pulling out the stock, the bad guy is doing what?” I asked him.

“Probably getting hungry thinking you have lunch there.” He said.

“Well let’s move on” I said. “What about the flash suppressor. Isn’t that useful mostly to snipers who don’t want to have their location discovered? What would a normal gun owner need that for?”

“Well it’s really neat. Just think,  there you are shooting away and nobody knows where it’s coming from.” He said.

“So they don’t know which way to run. They could run right into the next hail of bullets.” I said.

“I was thinking more like you happen upon a mass shooting scene and take a defensive position, peppering the shooter with rounds he can’t track down.” He said.

“Really?” I inquired. “Do you think of that often?”

“Oh yes. Every day. All day long.” He said.

“Well then, you’re a real hero.” I said while he smiled and closed his eyes.

“Well, there’s only one more thing,” I said.

“What’s that?” He asked me.

“The grenade launcher.” I said.

He squirmed in his chair. “Oh yes, wouldn’t that be neat?” He asked.

“I don’t see why. Why would you want to launch a hand grenade with your assault rifle?” I asked.

“First of all, it would be immeasurable fun. Just imagine ” he said.

“But I can’t imagine anybody doing this except a terrorist. Who would do that?” I asked him.

“I would use it. Anybody would use it. Can you imagine launching a grenade from your gun?” He was squirming in his chair. I could swear I could see moisture surrounding his crotch.  He certainly liked me a lot. Or grenade launchers.This man was nuts and yet he represented all the gun owners in New York city.

“But what’s the social utility in this?” I asked.

“In case of a war. Or a terrorist attack. Even a shooter if I practiced and could get the grenade right on him.” He said.

“But that’s not what grenades are for. They hit large areas. Concussion, shrapnel, they’re not for individual targets.” I observed.

“Well in some situations you have to accept some collateral damage to save the rest.” He said.

“So you’d bomb a baby if you could get the shooter, too?” I asked him.

” Just might have to.” He said, with a kind of country slur.

” Betcha think of this too a lot, huh?” I asked.


“But you know the law was struck down. You couldn’t do any of this in New York or Connecticut now. Whaddya think of that?” I asked.

“Guess I’ll move to New Jersey.” He said.

“Taking your gun with you?” I asked.

“Before I take the wife and kids,” he said.

Good family values. I knew they went together with guns. And grenade launchers.



  1. I like when you provide the link to the NY Times article so I can understand the satire.


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