Marquel TPVs NYTimes Crackpot Section correspondent was doing what we all do sometimes when he read The D.O. Is In Now. With a looming shortage of M.D.s, osteopathic medicine is shedding its second-tier image. And yes, D.O.s are real doctors. No, thought Marquel, they’re not. The clear implication of the statement is that they are medical doctors. That, definitively, is untrue. I have a friend who got his ph.d in television studies. He, too, is a “real doctor.” But he, along with every lawyer you know (all of them recipients of j.d., or doctor of jurisprudence), although a “real doctor”, are not real doctors, that is to say, the kind of guy you call “doc” as you undress.
Marquel knows these people, although not real well. I once had a real doctor explain this to me. He asked if I ever met a chiropractor or o.d. at a cocktail party. Of course not. We move in different circles. They’re a different kind of creature. They score lower on tests and cannot get admitted to medical schools.
Osteopath schools are mostly money making for-pofit institutions. They take applicants to make money. They teach their students that spinal manipulation can cure a host of diseases. There are no studies showing that it helps even one disease. O.D.s don’t engage in much research. That’s why they still teach manipulation.
I decided I had to figure out why the Times ran this piece. Which pièce of the action does the Times have? What could explain this transparent puffery?
I stopped by the Times building and sat down in the cafeteria. It was lunch time and I was surrounded by reporters, editors, copy editors, circulation people, and a bunch of IT people who, to my old eyes, are new to the place.
I listened to the conversation and waited for an opening, as if I belonged there. Someone was discussing the problems of getting their kids into college. It was time to strike.
” Yeah,” I said, “what’s his name’s kid couldn’t even get into medical school, did you hear?”
“He’s on the board,” answered the most vocal, “if he can’t get his kid in, who can?”
“That must have helped him to get into the optometry school”, I interjected.
“Not optometry,” said another, “osteopathy.”
“Whatever,” I remarked.
A chorus of whatevers followed. I had found what I wanted. The editorial board. Wow.
I then went to one of the editors who had worked on the piece. He was willing to discuss it anonymously. The editorial board. I could feel for his fear.
“So why’d you publish this?” I asked.
“Orders,” he insisted.
“The editorial board can order a piece published?” I asked.
“They can kill an article. They can order one. In this case they ordered it written then published.” He protested.
“Did they have an active part in the writing also?” I wondered.
“I don’t think so but who knows. The writer is pretty experienced and super compliant. He knew about the kid settling for osteopath school so it was clear what the board wanted.”
“Do they realize they could kill someone with this?” I questioned.
“I don’t know if they gave it a second thought. Can you imagine spinal manipulation for HIV or liver dysfunction or even autism?” He asked. “It’s like going to a shoe store for a colonoscopy.”
“Maybe it would fit better, at least,” I remarked.
“I’m really ashamed of this and of the Times.” He said.
“I suspect,” I said, “that it happens all over. Maybe even less at the Times.”
“It happens a lot here, though” he complained.
“So where did all that phony information come from in the story?” I asked.
“The supporting info I saw was all from the osteopath school and the osteopath association.” He said. “Then the reporter interviewed a few people at the city desk.”
“What?” I exclaimed. “What did he get there?”
“Well a woman from the fashion desk said she had encephalitis and was cured when a D.O. squeezed her head. Another said he had malaria overseas and a D.O. cured it by tapping his chest while singing the Marseillaise.”
“That’s just plain weird,” I remarked.
“The Times values personal testimony. Another guy who had been in the Congo said he was cured of intestinal worms by a D.O. and satellite phone call.” He went on.
“Phone call?” I inquired.
“It was a D.O. and he said he could treat it with a phone call. Satellite phones are very rare there and regular phones don’t work. I think the doctor just wanted to make a free call home.”
“And this guy said it worked?” I asked.
“He said it was cured instantly but came back when he returned to the states.” He said.
“So did he make another phone call?” I asked.
“No they took it away when he came back. He says regular cell phones don’t have the power to treat worms.” He said.
“So what about the editor’s son? Is he in osteopath school?”
“Almost. He flunked out but changed to optician school.”
We exchanged skeptical glances. When I got home I called Mufi and asked him if he ever heard of satellite phone treatments.
“It was quite common in the Western provinces where there is no phone service,” he said.
“Was?” I questioned.
“Yes, the Chinese government cracked down.” He said.
“How?” I asked.
He put a finger to his throat. “All executed.”
“Apparently in America we just merge them with the AMA.” I said sadly.
***
BY MARQUEL: The Real Ersatz
Fun. Fun. Fun.
lol
Ouch!
Osteopath schools are mostly money making for-pofit institutions. They take applicants to make money. They teach their students that spinal manipulation can cure a host of diseases. There are no studies showing that it helps even one disease. O.D.s don’t engage in much research. That’s why they still teach manipulation.