Scott Walker Vows to Bring Back the Dead: The Alzheimer Dead

Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Alzheimer’s in the White House Section correspondent, spent an entire morning bent over his shoes trying to remember what he was supposed to do, when the delivery boy interrupted him. Finding new purpose, he read Scott Walker, Feeling Kinship With Ronald Reagan, Claims His Legacy.

The Wisconsin governor, who envisions competing against candidates named Bush and Clinton, is introducing himself to voters as a product of the Reagan Revolution. Marquel was anxious to meet with this Reagan reincarnation and wondered whether there really could exist another human being equal to Reagan‘s lack of intellect, lack of common sense, total ignorance of history and geography, and absolute lack of memory. It would be exciting to meet him. Maybe they could actually talk. But if so, this was no Ronald Reagan.

We met just outside of Kenosha, where he had shared breakfast with local residents, most of whom seemed to have trouble with simple English.

“I prefer it here,” he said, “It’s much more Reaganesque. I hate it in Madison. They’re all pointy headed liberals.”

“That’s pretty Reaganesque,” I said.

“Think so?” He asked, with a broad Reagan smile. He started humming a tune. Suddenly it became clearer. It was a sixties hit, “Barbara Ann,” but he started singing alternate lyrics, “bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran, bomb bomb bomb, bomb Iran,” he sang. He smiled like a puppy looking for a scratch under the ears.

“That’s cute,” I said, “but it’s not Reagan. John McCain did that. What Reagan did was to announce over a mike he thought was dead that he was going to bomb Russia in five minutes.”

“I think you’re wrong,” he said.

“You may think so,” I said, “But you’re wrong. And that’s very Reaganesque!” I added.

He grinned as if I had chucked him under the chin. He was still humming the song. “Well that’s one for the kipper.” He said.

“Huh?” I queried.

“One for the kipper. Reagan always said that. I do too.  We’re one and the same.”

“Isn’t a kipper a herring?” I asked. “Why would you do something for the herring?”

“Reagan did.” He said.

“But he didn’t. He did one for the gipper, from an old football movie he made. The gipper was a person, not a fish.” I said.

“Are you sure of that?” He asked.

“Positive.” I asserted.

“Why don’t you come work in my campaign? You can be in charge of Reagan.” He said.

“I don’t think this country could survive another incompetent. Do you realize he had Alzheimer’s at his first inaugural?” I asked.

“I don’t think that’s true. If so, he got better real fast.” He said.

“You don’t get better. You get worse.” I said.

“Reagan got better. Everybody loved him.” He said.

“You know that’s a myth. I hated Reagan and everybody I knew hated him and everybody they knew hated him. He was well hated. Everybody hated him.” I said.

“I’m sure you’re wrong.” He argued.

“I’m not wrong about everyone I knew. I can’t speak for the idiots in the general populace.” I said. “Besides acting like Reagan what will you do as president? Any economic plans, productivity, employment?”

“I’m going to try to get unemployment to go up, and I think we are going to succeed.” He said.

“Don’t you mean employment?” I asked.

“No, I copied this directly from Reagan’s speeches.” He said.

“I know but that was one of the really stupid things he said. Remember, he was senile. You want to be the second senile president?” I asked.

“If I quote Reagan I’m not senile. These are facts. Facts are stupid things, though.” He observed.

“It may be a fact he said it but it doesn’t make it stupid to get it right. Incidentally, that was another Reagan misstatement. He was trying to paraphrase John Adams who said, ‘facts are stubborn things,’ exactly the opposite from what you just did with Reagan’s misquote. Okay what besides employment, up or down. What else?” I asked.

“I think I’ll go to the Mideast. There are a lot of countries there. You’d be surprised. They’re all individual countries.” He said.

“I’ve heard that. It’s also true of Latin America where Reagan said the same stupidly obvious thing.” I said.

“You see, he and I share a lot.” He said.

“And are you going to invade a tiny country in the Mideast like Reagan did in Latin America?” I asked.

“Why not? It worked for him.” He said.

“I think it convinced all of Latin and South America that we were not just Yankee imperialists, but stupid imperialists.” I said. “I think Dan Quayle  the vice president, said that we should study Latin to understand Latin America.” I said.

“Sounds like a good idea,” he said.

“That’s what Quayle thought. But they don’t speak Latin there. They speak Spanish.” I corrected.

“Dan Quayle was a Communist.” He said.

“I don’t think so. That’s what Reagan said about Gerald Ford but he meant to say ‘Congressman’ ” I said.

“Exactly! That’s what I meant too. Isn’t the resemblance shocking?” He asked.

“I have to agree with you. It’s really shocking. Besides unemployment going up, do you have any other economic plans? What about taxes that favor the lower classes and progressively hit the rich?” I asked.

“This progressive tax system is a foreign import, spawned by Karl Marx a century ago.“ he said.

“How could that be? Marx was never in any government, he was German, and had nothing to do with the US. Progressive taxation was really emphasized by Roosevelt’s New Deal as a way of escaping the depression.” I explained.

“Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal,” he said. “I don’t think we’re going there.”

“So you realize the last two things you said  about Marx and fascism, are word for word from Reagan?” I asked.

“Of course. I copied them down.” He said.

“But you copied all of his mistakes and misstatements!” I exclaimed.

“That’s your opinion. Remember, facts are stupid things.” He said.

“Stubborn things.” I corrected.

“Stupid and stubborn. Like a donkey. Isn’t that worse?” He asked.

I called it a day. He is indeed a second Reagan. That’s a fact, stubborn or stupid. Maybe everybody will love him. Or hate him. Just like Reagan. I shivered and got the first flight out of town.

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By MARQUEL:  Scott Walker Vouches to Bring Back the Dead: The Alzheimer Dead