Marquel, TPVs NYTimes Temperature Section correspondent was doing some pharmacy shopping when he read as U.S. Steps Up Fight, J.F.K. Begins Screening Passengers for Ebola. Kennedy International Airport is the first of five airports in the United States to introduce Ebola screening protocols designed to keep the virus from spreading.
Marquel wondered if they were going to stick a thermometer in everyone’s mouth in baggage claim and then take it out and read it at customs. Instead he found the TSA was being creative this time, and as ineffectual as usual. He went to TSA headquarters at JFK and met the director. The director, for some unexplained reason, was wearing a Salvation Army general’s uniform and insisted on being addressed by rank.
“General, are you collecting the thermometers in the end or are they being given away as souvenirs?” I asked.
“We gave up on thermometers. People said it was too intrusive. We try to be people sensitive, so we tried a different approach.”
“Are you just sending them all to the hospital?” I asked.
“Are you crazy?” Asked the general, “send them to New York emergency rooms? That’s the surest way of having more deaths and even an epidemic. No, we decided on dowsing.”
“You mean with the Y shaped stick?” I asked. ” Are you looking for water or viruses?”
The general was miffed.
“We hired two hundred Texans experienced in dowsing who were sure they could find Ebola just as effectively.”
“So next time I land at JFK I’m gonna be dowsed by Texans with divining rods?” I asked.
“We had objections to that also. Too many environmentalists said we shouldn’t be cutting up trees. They said we were destroying the rain forests.” Said the general.
“My God,” I said “you have a tough job. Seems like you can’t please any of the people any of the time.”
“Well we got rid of them and replaced them with the system they use for overbooked flights. On landing, we offer a hundred dollars and a free ticket to anywhere to any passenger who admits exposure to Ebola. If no-one comes forward, we raise it to two hundred, then three hundred, up to five hundred. And the free ticket.”
“Did it work?” I said.
“Only too well,” said the general. “The first El Al flight that came in, we had four hundred Ebola cases and exceeded our monthly budget. They all waited for the five hundred level and then the entire passenger list claimed exposure, plus the pilots and flight attendants. Two desk agents also came forward and they’d never left the country.”
“I guess you gave up on that, General,” I said.
“Yes but it gave us a good idea. We decided to hire several dozen Jewish mothers to look over every incoming passenger. We also hired Italian mothers who are just as overbearing.”
“So what do they do? How does it work?”
“It’s simple and complex at the same time,” the general said. “They look over each passenger. They inevitably say something like, ‘you poor thing, you’re so thin, you should eat more.’ That means they’re normal. ‘But if they say, “look at you, darling, you need more sleep. When was the last time you saw a doctor?’ we take them out of line and quarantine them. The hospitals are amazed. So far we have a hundred percent success rate. And pots and pots of zuppa con brodo and chicken soup. With schmaltz.”
Consider yourself a rich man,” I said.
“Not rich enough,” he said, and stood up ringing a bell like a Christmas Santa Claus. “Think of the poor.”
I backed out of his office and went home on the A train. I wondered how many of my fellow passengers had seen a doctor lately.
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BY MARQUEL: Take an Aspirin & Call Me in the Morning
loved it:
“We gave up on thermometers. People said it was too intrusive. We try to be people sensitive, so we tried a different approach.”
This crazy. We should stop all flights from or to any African country.
agreed. Anybody who traveled to Africa within the last 6 months or okay, since this summer, should be placed in mandatory quarantine.
where? in tents by the Hudson?
so witty
thanks. At least that’s a sign of thinking
so is sarcasm
I did not know what dowsing was. I had to google it…Marquel, you make me feel smart. I learn something from you each time I read you.
Thanks
I love the Jewish Italian moms part. Funny.
imagine an Italian Jewish mom! That’s pretty much hell.
that’s mom, and she’s a cool gal.
mazel tov
Thermometers in the mouth are clearly too awkward, anyone who has cared for small children would know what to do, and I see the answer has been cleverly hidden a little further along in your story:
thermometers in the end
Expect to pay premium rates though, to the people who collect them.